Gave myself minus marks out of nothing today for wanting to run and hide in the deepest darkest hole and let someone else deal with the responsibility that comes with parenthood. Then I thought, I'm only watching this - how terrible is that when I even consider not being there? The shame was like a bucket of ice water and I found a bit of reserves left, took a deep breath and did it. Horrendous is not even close to the experience.There were at least 3 other Manxies there today - some much much worse, others radiantly better - dont know what to feel or say to them, we're all in a club we dont want membership of.So stressed by this my shoulder muscles are like iron bars. Got to go back for the big stuff next week. I have a blank where my mind used to be.