Tuesday August 12th
Arsenal V Chelsea - who'll win?
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Once again I woke up to a sky full of teeming rain. I turned on the radio to listen to Manx Radio for the 7 a.m. news and to catch Eric Kelly with the 'Thought for the day' which comes on just before the news. Today he said that half a million people in this world die each year because they have no fresh water. What is God playing at, I have to ask myself! Why is he/she sending us more water than we can cope with, and none at all to others who desperately need it? For me, the situation just reinforces my belief, that we are just a tiny part of a huge empire that is way beyond our power of imagination, and even the greatest and largest religions of this world don't even come close to predicting our final destiny, if indeed final is what it turns out to be.
Well now, back to the rain. As I write this, the rain is still falling from the skies in torrents. We used to have an airline here that recently went to the wall. Their departure and arrival record was so bad that it was suggested that their airport announcements should in future, only be made when they were actually taking off on time. I am thinking, because we are having so much rain at present, maybe in the future I should only pass comment when it is not raining. Let us hope that here on the Island we do not become so flooded that we need an ark to escape. We have now become so bogged down in health and safety, and general bureaucracy that surely Ramsey shipyard or whoever was tasked to build the ark, would never manage to comply with all our modern regulations. I have made just one or two slight alterations to this original ark building project. I don't know the original author but whoever is was, well done!.
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the Isle of Man as a tax exile and said,
"I see your Island has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing, along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - But no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord, "begged Noah," but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission prior to building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. I had to appeal to Tony Brown for a decision.
The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect a rare species of grasshopper. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the grasshoppers - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the MSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then Malew commissioners, the DLGE and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many ethnic minority people I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Corgi registered workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the Island illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Does this mean you're not going to destroy the Island after all?"
"No," said the Lord, "Tynwald has obviously already beaten me to it!"
This is Tom Glassey, on the very soggy, soggy banks of the Silverburn River.
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