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Adopter

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  1. That is because you are only viewing the situation from one side. Consider the utiliterian approach - ie doing the most good for the most people - or conversely doing this least harm. Let us imagine the situation where there is an adopted child, 2 adoptive parents, and 2 other children in the family (whether or not they are adopted or natural). So, involved in this scenario there are a total of 5 people. All of these five will suffer damage as a result of the breakdown. Parents may develop stress related illness, be unable to work, or more commonly familial breakdown may result. If that happens 5 peoples lives are mangled not one. Obviously all this can happen with a birth child but there's no doubt it is much more common with adopted kids. So, the adopted child is back to square one, and 4 others have been damaged. Ah, but the need of the child should be paramount comes the cry! Yes, but which of the three in that family should be paramount, I wonder? You have seen the damage inflicted upon children by marital breakdown, parental ill health etc. So, when you adopt you are taking a risk, that you will potentially, jeopardise your own wellbeing and that of other family members, to give a child a better start in life. Now, as adopters, that is a risk you take. However, you take that risk in the belief that there is appropriate support for you and the other family members. That support appears unavailable here. So, you aren't just walking a tightrope - you are doing so without the net that you were led to believe was there, and the potential result is not that one person falls but five - including the two other children. It is for that reason that I still say the Isle of Man is not well placed for adoptive families, and while it is plainly up to individuals to make their own choices, it is better that they do so in an informed manner. You feel these comments reduce life chances for some children, if that is so, it is unfortunate - but equally it may maintain life chances for children in families who would otherwise be tested to destruction. The scenario I depict above is NOT a description of our situation, or outcome (thankfully) but the latter is no thanks to Social Services.
  2. I am pretty sure this is not the case. If, for example, someone who has adopted in the UK comes to the island. unless they choose to tell people here, no-one would be aware of the situation. Of course, this is entirely proper, in my view.
  3. Spangle, of course they are. It would be naive however to make the assumption that such a commitment is the answer to the problem. Many of these children have considerable emotional difficulties, as a result of their earlier experiences. Attachment disorders, where they have problems making meaningful connections with others, can affect them throughout their entire lives. If, as a society, we believe that adoption is the best option for these kids, then surely we need to try to get the best outcomes for them? There's plenty of evidence that appropriate support makes for better outcomes for all concerned. Those services are not being provided by the department that won't let itself be externally audited and benchmarked because according to their Minister they aren't ready for it yet.
  4. Yes - thats exactly right and the reason is the split between the two parts of what should be a single service But there are still many voluntary adoption agencies in the UK who match children with families and vice versa, and once their job is done then, as in IOM its down to the family and if they do not cope statutory social services, not sure why you see the IOM as being any different Social Services every where are stretched, under staffed and resourced. There is no book that is a definitive guide to parenting, natural or adoptive. You just have to cope. No you have not touched a nerve, I clearly have, I am concerned that an adopter should suggest or advise not to adopt on IOM and suggest that up to 30% of adoptions break downd. The total is very low, less than 10% of the figure you suggest. Again I am sorry your experience, both with the adoptee and social services has been bad, but sweeping statements like do not adopt in IOM do you no credit and are potentially damaging. the consortium of voluntary adoption agencies, over 30 independent charitable societies, with identical interplay to English statutory social services reorts on annual numbers and failures through its members placements The figure I quote was the one quoted to us! It was also pointed out that most of the literature is 10+years out of date and rates are much higher than the 10% you quote. According to Adoption UK, in 2010, "About a third of adoptions will go very smoothly, about a third of adoptions the families will need some kind of support...and then possibly up to a third, over the whole lifetime of the adoption, we think may break down." Again, we can pedantically argue the figure, but that, again, misses the point. One disrupted adoption is a disaster, and often, with correct support for all parties in the initial stages the problem can be containable, the situation ameliorated. That support is just not available here. Social services refer any problems with an adopted child to the adoption service instead of following them up themselves. That may or may not be appropriate. However, having made that referral it beggars belief that they simply ignore the recommendations of that team, in a way that seems unheard of in the UK. " There is no book that is a definitive guide to parenting, natural or adoptive. You just have to cope." Thank you for the benefit of your insight, I think our other (natural and adopted) children will show that we manged reasonably well. I have to say that your attitude throughout this discussion has been less than pleasant. Thus so far, I've been characterised as bitter, obsessed,having a dysfunctional family, and failing to cope. Not all matters are best dealt with in such an adversarial manner. I think it is perhaps best if we just leave it there.
  5. Yes - thats exactly right and the reason is the split between the two parts of what should be a single service
  6. Thats almost a correction - I agree - it predisposes to family dysfunction - but it is not evidence of it having occured and you were not in position of sufficient information to judge what the outcome of such pressure were, thus your statement that the family was dysfunctional was without any evidential basis. Playing with semantics about service users does not alter the fact that, like most adoptive families, we were in contact from the time of adoptionm, with the adoption services. Those services in the UK are part of the local social services department, and their judgements are acted upon. Here, they are not. When one group of professionals is saying "X is needed" and the other is saying "no it isn't" then the family is caught in the crossfire. My point remains, we were given two different courses of action rather than one joined up one and it left us in a much worse position than if we had not been in contact with either. Your later comments about obsession and bitterness sound even more unpleasant. I am neither. I fully agree that adoption offers these kids the best chance - that's why we have done it! Nonetheless, the system here is very flawed and I stick to my original ascertion that people shouldn't adopt in the Isle of Man. Remember, we are talking of the service whose own Minister admitted that it wasn't fit for external assessment some years after the major inquiry. Now, I am happy to discuss issues, and clearly my post has hit a nerve with you, but I would be grateul if you would cease making unpleasant inferences about bitterness, obsession, and dysfunction.
  7. No, that is incorrect. The problem was entirely due to disagreement between social workers from two different agencies with the users stuck in the middle. When two sets of professionals are saying almost completely opposite things, how is the user to proceed? Your assertion of familial dysfunction is unnecssarily unpleasant and does you no credit - you know nothing of the situation to place yourself in such judgement. Particularly as you allege that you have gone out of you way to attempt to identify us.
  8. What an odd interpretation of the situation. No I'm not saying that - what I'm saying is by all means adopt. Just don't expect the same level of support in the Isle of Man, as you would get in the UK. So, don't adopt in the Isle of Man is sadly what I'm saying. As someone who has experience of the system, when problems occur.
  9. Yes - don't be an adoptive parent in the Isle of Man - not just don't adopt here! I think the OP tells you about the failings. The adoption service knows what actions/resources are required. The statutory service does not respond to their recommendations. There is a clear disjunction which the service users are unable to do anything about. I did toy with giving more details here but I don't feel that it is appropriate to do so in an open forum.
  10. Would it not be a serious abuse of those privileges for someone to undertake such checks when the OP made it clear there was a valid reason for the actions, in the absence of a prima facie breach of forum rules?
  11. I have to agree with most of what you say. The point I make is not "do not adopt" it's "do not adopt on the Isle of Man." I fully agree IoM Adoption Service is just fine. Same cannot be said for our experiences of the statutory sector
  12. I know it can be done! However, I chose this method simply to avoid obvious identification to the minors involved not for my own benefit. Anyone choosing to follow the route you suggest is choosing to attempt to identify minors. I'm not sure that's in anyone's interest. I was aware that some would not be happy with the original post.
  13. I am a regular poster on MF but have created this ID to protect the identity of minors. You may have seen this on the BBC news (Isle of Man) "The Manx organisation in charge of adoption said it is hoping for more eligible parents to come forward following a change in the law. " As an adoptive parent I have to say, don't do it. The reason? Well the adoption services here are run by a charity - and they are really helpful and supportive. However, it is well recognised that the kids who are put up for adoption have "baggage" which means that they are left with difficulties in forming attachments to people - which remains a problem throughout their lives. The result of this is that about 20-30% of adoptions subsequently fail despite the strenuous efforts of all concerned. It is at this point that there are stark differences between IoM practice and UK practice. In the UK, social services accept that there is an implicit pact between adoptive parents and society, where the parents will do their utmost for these children, but if in time insurmountable problems occur then society will support them. Adoption breakdown is a heart-rending experience for any adoptive parent but can be managed well by appropriate support. The difficulty here is that while the adoption service may accept that such a breakdown has occurred, it can only pass it's conclusions to IoM Social Services. Isle of Man Social Services do not recognise that adoption breakdown exists (their words - not mine) consequently they will neither support nor intervene. The fact that the adoption service is run by a charity under contract means that they are unable to get social services to act - merely recommend that they do. A recommendation that is not accepted! So, if you are considering adopting, do not do so here is the only advice that I can give. If things go well then you will get lots of support, and if they don't you are on your own.
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