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The Stupid Things People Say !


Guest keltickat6969
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Guest keltickat6969

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...

I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

 

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".

F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".

Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

 

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".

No dickhead, I paid $10 to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".

Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.

Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

 

8. When people say "life is short".

What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".

If the bus came would I be standing here, dickhead?

 

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.

So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

 

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'

No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

 

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet.

Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

 

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...

It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*cking McAsshole !.

 

14. When you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'

Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

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6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".

Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

 

You could always say no.

 

8. When people say "life is short".

What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

 

Die? Death is eternal dude.

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6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".

Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

 

You could always say no.

 

But it's too late, they've already asked a question

 

Daftest thing I've ever said was to my dog when he kept losing his stick - "Go and find it, sticks don't grow on trees you know"

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Treating a child's grazed knee - having provided a book as a distraction to the pain - there is suddenly a howl of pain as the antiseptic is applied.

Mother, impatiently, "For heaven's sake... just shut your eyes and read your book!"

 

True.

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I remember an elderly lady visited our house when I was a lad, and remarked at the lovely 'dildo' rail we had running round the living room.

 

Of course the Dado rail was indeed very nice, I had to leave the room so I could explode into giggles.

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"If you fall off that and break your leg - dont run crying to me." Never tried it but Im sure it either hurts or is impossible.

 

"He broke his leg - Almost" (A certain news room is prone to adding the 'almost' in some of its news reports)

 

"wipe that smile off your face" made me smile everytime my Mum said it.

 

"mind the roads" eh? surely a big lump of tarmac, hard core and gravel is capable of looking after itself!

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