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A Selection Of German Jokes.

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.

 

 

What do you get if you cross a gooseberry with a stereo?

A sticky green residue that is difficult to remove from the electrical unit.

 

 

Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?

He has Motor Neurone syndrome.

 

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

 

 

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

 

 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.

One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

 

 

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.

 

 

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

 

 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just 1, it's quite a simple task.

 

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.

 

 

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

 

 

Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?

The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.

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A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms

 

Indicators - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

Bonnet - Die Pullnob und knucklechopper

Exhaust - Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben

Clutch - Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken

Puncture - Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken

Learner - Die twatte mit ellplatzEstate

Near Accident - Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen

Parking Meter - Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer

Windscreen Wiper - Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder

Footbrake - Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick

Gear lever - Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen

Breathalyser - Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen

Rear View Mirror - Der Yokhunter Tucklosen

Seat Belt - Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper

Headlights - Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad

Highway Code - Der Wipenfurarsen

Fog Warning - Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit

Traffic jam - Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast

Rear Seat - Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein

Accident - Der Bledinmess

Cyclist - Der pedallpushinink Pillocken

Petrol - Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen

Driver - Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker

Mechanic - Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepinger-sputtergefixer

Repair Bill - Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste

Truck - Der Fukkengratentrucken

Camper Van - Der Fukkenpaininarsenparkinghogger

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and there's more.....

 

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly

low self-esteem.

 

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A Manx cat.

 

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

 

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell

pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

 

German walks into a bar

"Two Martinis, bitte."

"Dry?"

"Nein, I said TWO!"

 

Q: How does a German eat mussels

A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* ... AUFMACHEN !!!

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Trust you to go and spoil it by posting something funny!

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Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.

 

 

What do you get if you cross a gooseberry with a stereo?

A sticky green residue that is difficult to remove from the electrical unit.

 

 

Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?

He has Motor Neurone syndrome.

 

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

 

 

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

 

 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.

One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

 

 

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.

 

 

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

 

 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just 1, it's quite a simple task.

 

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.

 

 

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

 

 

Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?

The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.

 

Have I missed something here !!! :wacko:

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Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

 

Zat's not funny!

 

 

Ho.....

 

 

Hee..

 

 

Ha ha Ha Ha ..... die Flpperwaldt gersput! ha ha hee heee

 

URGH. *THUD*

 

 

We probably wouldn't have won the war if it wasn't for dear old Ernest Scribbler. :)

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