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As ever, the best report was in the DAILY MASH

 

EARTHQUAKE FRIGHTENS CUMBRIANS INTO GIVING UP INCEST

22-12-10

CUMBRIANS have imposed a moratorium on sex with close relatives amid fears they may have angered a supernatural being who lives deep in the ground.

 

Cultural seismologists said last night's earthquake would be interpreted across the region as an intervention from some form of deity who is displeased with fundamental aspects of the north western lifestyle.

 

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Their first instinct will be to give up their long held commitment to passionate incest, at least temporarily.

 

"If they remain quake-free for about a fortnight they'll assume it was just a slap on the wrist and return to their narrow-band rutting.

 

"If, however, there are a series of reasonably strong aftershocks then we may be witnessing the first tentative steps towards a Cumbrian establishing an intimate relationship with a second or even third cousin."

 

Previous natural events have engineered a shift in Cumbrian behaviour. Locals insist a week of gale force winds in October 1997 was the Archangel Brian expressing his concern over the first topless rat dancing club in Workington.

 

Since 1998 all dancing rats in the county must wear bras or bikini tops.

 

Meanwhile the recent heavy snowfall has left many Cumbrians wondering if they should discontinue the centuries old practice of firing bespectacled women into the sea using an enormous rubber band.

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