Don't Do It!

[Adopter]

I am a regular poster on MF but have created this ID to protect the identity of minors.

 

You may have seen this on the BBC news (Isle of Man) "The Manx organisation in charge of adoption said it is hoping for more eligible parents to come forward following a change in the law. "

 

As an adoptive parent I have to say, don't do it. The reason? Well the adoption services here are run by a charity - and they are really helpful and supportive. However, it is well recognised that the kids who are put up for adoption have "baggage" which means that they are left with difficulties in forming attachments to people - which remains a problem throughout their lives. The result of this is that about 20-30% of adoptions subsequently fail despite the strenuous efforts of all concerned.

 

It is at this point that there are stark differences between IoM practice and UK practice. In the UK, social services accept that there is an implicit pact between adoptive parents and society, where the parents will do their utmost for these children, but if in time insurmountable problems occur then society will support them. Adoption breakdown is a heart-rending experience for any adoptive parent but can be managed well by appropriate support. The difficulty here is that while the adoption service may accept that such a breakdown has occurred, it can only pass it's conclusions to IoM Social Services. Isle of Man Social Services do not recognise that adoption breakdown exists (their words - not mine) consequently they will neither support nor intervene. The fact that the adoption service is run by a charity under contract means that they are unable to get social services to act - merely recommend that they do. A recommendation that is not accepted!

 

So, if you are considering adopting, do not do so here is the only advice that I can give. If things go well then you will get lots of support, and if they don't you are on your own.

[yiman]

So you are saying the main problem is that adoption services are contracted out?

[John Wright]

As an adopted child, with an adopted sister, and partner, and as someone who has acted in many adoptions, I have to say the OP's post is rubbish

 

First the Isle of Man adoption service is contractd to assess parents and children suitable to adopt and be adopted and to place suitable children with suitable parents. I have seen no evidence that it does not fulfill its functions well.

 

Second there is a shortage of blue eyed blond "perfect" babies

 

Third there are many unplaced older non blue eyed blond children, witn specific problems, looking for adoption

 

Fourth there are too many prospective adoptive parents looking to adopt "perfect" babies

 

Fifth there are not enough prospective adoptive parents who will adopt older, or problem children, ie non perfect babies

 

Sixth once adopetd the responsibilities of Social Care to the parents and children are the same as if the families are natural. Maybe Social care is not working. The Adoption Service does what it can. Natural and adoptive families sometimes do not work, it is not necessarily because of adoption or the adoption agency

 

I know many adopted children and adults, few have had problems, most are well adjusted and many of us have found our birth families. I see my birth mother and half sister a few times each year and e-mail regularly. I found them after my adoptive parents had died and when I was 50. My partner is adopted and he has found his birth family, he has less regular contact. My sister did make contact but decided not to take it too much further. We were assisted by the IOM Adoption Service

 

Yes some children adopted when older and who have had terrible lives or health or other problems have difficulties, most are identified and communicated to the prospective adopters before they take on. Often there is a trial placement before adoption takes place. Few if any adopted whilst very young will have problems caused by adoption in their later lives. Of course it is easy to blame the adoption if something goes wrog.

 

Please look into adoption and if you can become an adopter, it can be rewarding for you and it can make a huge difference to the adopted child.

 

Don't be put off by scare stories like that of the OP

[John Wright]

PS Adopter, anyone can discover who you normally post as on the Forums, and as you use a pseudonym for those, not very many or regular posts, what is the point of using an new identity? I won't reveal who you are or how to do it, but you should know it can be done.

[Declan]

Only if you have moderator / admin rights John. The Hoi Polloi don't have access to people's ip addresses. Even then it's not that useful because just because two user accounts have posted from the same ip address does not mean that they are the same person - more than one person in a house, more than one in same office, for example. Also your IP address refreshes each time you switch your router off - so if the posts are a long time apart - it's probably not the same user. The only way to tie a post to a set person would be to find out who the ip address was assigned to at the time the post was made, and MF would need the cooperation of the ISP at the time.

 

 

[Terse]

PS Adopter, anyone can discover who you normally post as on the Forums, and as you use a pseudonym for those, not very many or regular posts, what is the point of using an new identity? I won't reveal who you are or how to do it, but you should know it can be done.

That really does sound Orwellian.

[Adopter]

PS Adopter, anyone can discover who you normally post as on the Forums, and as you use a pseudonym for those, not very many or regular posts, what is the point of using an new identity? I won't reveal who you are or how to do it, but you should know it can be done.

 

I know it can be done! However, I chose this method simply to avoid obvious identification to the minors involved not for my own benefit. Anyone choosing to follow the route you suggest is choosing to attempt to identify minors. I'm not sure that's in anyone's interest.

 

I was aware that some would not be happy with the original post.

Edited April 16, 2011 by Adopter

[Adopter]

As an adopted child, with an adopted sister, and partner, and as someone who has acted in many adoptions, I have to say the OP's post is rubbish

 

First the Isle of Man adoption service is contractd to assess parents and children suitable to adopt and be adopted and to place suitable children with suitable parents. I have seen no evidence that it does not fulfill its functions well.

 

Second there is a shortage of blue eyed blond "perfect" babies

 

Third there are many unplaced older non blue eyed blond children, witn specific problems, looking for adoption

 

Fourth there are too many prospective adoptive parents looking to adopt "perfect" babies

 

Fifth there are not enough prospective adoptive parents who will adopt older, or problem children, ie non perfect babies

 

Sixth once adopetd the responsibilities of Social Care to the parents and children are the same as if the families are natural. Maybe Social care is not working. The Adoption Service does what it can. Natural and adoptive families sometimes do not work, it is not necessarily because of adoption or the adoption agency

 

I know many adopted children and adults, few have had problems, most are well adjusted and many of us have found our birth families. I see my birth mother and half sister a few times each year and e-mail regularly. I found them after my adoptive parents had died and when I was 50. My partner is adopted and he has found his birth family, he has less regular contact. My sister did make contact but decided not to take it too much further. We were assisted by the IOM Adoption Service

 

Yes some children adopted when older and who have had terrible lives or health or other problems have difficulties, most are identified and communicated to the prospective adopters before they take on. Often there is a trial placement before adoption takes place. Few if any adopted whilst very young will have problems caused by adoption in their later lives. Of course it is easy to blame the adoption if something goes wrog.

 

Please look into adoption and if you can become an adopter, it can be rewarding for you and it can make a huge difference to the adopted child.

 

Don't be put off by scare stories like that of the OP

 

 

I have to agree with most of what you say. The point I make is not "do not adopt" it's "do not adopt on the Isle of Man." I fully agree IoM Adoption Service is just fine. Same cannot be said for our experiences of the statutory sector

[Adopter]

Only if you have moderator / admin rights John.

 

Would it not be a serious abuse of those privileges for someone to undertake such checks when the OP made it clear there was a valid reason for the actions, in the absence of a prima facie breach of forum rules?

[John Wright]

It can't even be that. You could adopt anywhere and end up here, or adopt here and end up elsewhere. What you appear to be saying is that childrens social services in IOM have failings. That is no justification to put people off adopting.

 

Tell us about the failings.

[jimbms]

So what you are saying Adopter is that you feel because you don't like the system then kids should be left in care rather than have family, if you ask we could bring back workhouses and chimney sweeping services for the smaller ones.

[Adopter]

It can't even be that. You could adopt anywhere and end up here, or adopt here and end up elsewhere. What you appear to be saying is that childrens social services in IOM have failings. That is no justification to put people off adopting.

 

Tell us about the failings.

 

Yes - don't be an adoptive parent in the Isle of Man - not just don't adopt here!

 

I think the OP tells you about the failings. The adoption service knows what actions/resources are required. The statutory service does not respond to their recommendations. There is a clear disjunction which the service users are unable to do anything about. I did toy with giving more details here but I don't feel that it is appropriate to do so in an open forum.

Edited April 16, 2011 by Adopter

[Adopter]

So what you are saying Adopter is that you feel because you don't like the system then kids should be left in care rather than have family, if you ask we could bring back workhouses and chimney sweeping services for the smaller ones.

 

What an odd interpretation of the situation.

 

No I'm not saying that - what I'm saying is by all means adopt. Just don't expect the same level of support in the Isle of Man, as you would get in the UK. So, don't adopt in the Isle of Man is sadly what I'm saying. As someone who has experience of the system, when problems occur.

Edited April 16, 2011 by Adopter

[John Wright]

So in fact its nothing to do with adoption, but a difference of views as to whether the family has become dysfunctional and needs intervention, your view, and childrens social services view that intervention is not necessary

 

I am sorry your adoption experience has not been perfect, but that is no reason to suggest no one adopt on IOM.

 

You seem very bitter about this, that cannot be good for the adopted child

[Adopter]

So in fact its nothing to do with adoption, but a difference of views as to whether the family has become dysfunctional and needs intervention, your view, and childrens social services view that intervention is not necessary

 

I am sorry your adoption experience has not been perfect, but that is no reason to suggest no one adopt on IOM.

 

No, that is incorrect. The problem was entirely due to disagreement between social workers from two different agencies with the users stuck in the middle. When two sets of professionals are saying almost completely opposite things, how is the user to proceed?

 

Your assertion of familial dysfunction is unnecssarily unpleasant and does you no credit - you know nothing of the situation to place yourself in such judgement. Particularly as you allege that you have gone out of you way to attempt to identify us.

Edited April 16, 2011 by Adopter