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Don't Do It!


Adopter
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PS Adopter, anyone can discover who you normally post as on the Forums, and as you use a pseudonym for those, not very many or regular posts, what is the point of using an new identity? I won't reveal who you are or how to do it, but you should know it can be done.

That really does sound Orwellian.

 

Doesn't it just? The "I wont reveal who you are" is particularly nasty, since it's dependent on and implies the statement "I know who you are". Combine that with the snarky "that can't be good for the adopted child" and it starts to look a wee bit sinister

Edited by VinnieK
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You are not service users, but parents, the only service that can offer intervention at that stage are the statutory social services, but you did have additional voluntary support from the voluntary agency

 

I make no judgment as to what happened, I do not know the facts, my dysfunctional reference is derived from the facts you disclosed, about a child who might be a danger, whether to themselves or others, and have since deleted, that makes for a dysfunctional family, it may not be caused by one

 

I only wanted to remind the OP that setting up a new identity would not stop others tracing their original identity, and my experience of family matters generally is that bitterness or obsession in the parents can adversley affect children. Nothing sinister

 

My main aim is to try and protect and promote adoption as a solution to uncared for children

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My personal experiences with the child care people have been thus, a child whom I've known since he was a baby was orphaned, social services were wonderful I had to have police checks and an interview before I was permitted to visit/take the lad out, this was all done in a timely manner with no fussing. The social worker (John) was really lovely and just what my little mate needed at, what had to have been the worst time in his little life, these are the people who do their jobs with care.

 

and on the other side.....

 

My daughter had been sent on some Mobex thing where she got friendly with a girl, I thought I recognised the childs name but she lived in a different place to the child I remembered so thought nothing more of it. They wanted to have a sleep over, I agreed so long as I spoke to the other girls parents, which I did. They omitted to tell me the child was in care, had drinking problems and when my daughter called me to A&E because the stupid child had drunk herself into a coma, I was met by some woman who did not even know the kids date of birth and had the audacity to give me a 'telling off', er hang on a little minute, I checked their bags before they went out and had NO idea of the childs circumstances, imagine sending a child like that to a sleep over with no warnings..... are they mental? not to mention they sent a 14/15 year old girl to a house where I could have been jack the ripper.......well maybe not me but that husband of mine is shifty lookin lol

 

and that relates how to IOM adoption services you castigated earlier?

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You are not service users, but parents, the only service that can offer intervention at that stage are the statutory social services, but you did have additional voluntary support from the voluntary agency

 

I make no judgment as to what happened, I do not know the facts, my dysfunctional reference is derived from the facts you disclosed, about a child who might be a danger, that makes for a dysfunctional family, it may not be caused by one

 

Thats almost a correction - I agree - it predisposes to family dysfunction - but it is not evidence of it having occured and you were not in position of sufficient information to judge what the outcome of such pressure were, thus your statement that the family was dysfunctional was without any evidential basis.

 

Playing with semantics about service users does not alter the fact that, like most adoptive families, we were in contact from the time of adoptionm, with the adoption services. Those services in the UK are part of the local social services department, and their judgements are acted upon. Here, they are not. When one group of professionals is saying "X is needed" and the other is saying "no it isn't" then the family is caught in the crossfire. My point remains, we were given two different courses of action rather than one joined up one and it left us in a much worse position than if we had not been in contact with either.

 

Your later comments about obsession and bitterness sound even more unpleasant. I am neither.

 

I fully agree that adoption offers these kids the best chance - that's why we have done it! Nonetheless, the system here is very flawed and I stick to my original ascertion that people shouldn't adopt in the Isle of Man. Remember, we are talking of the service whose own Minister admitted that it wasn't fit for external assessment some years after the major inquiry.

 

Now, I am happy to discuss issues, and clearly my post has hit a nerve with you, but I would be grateul if you would cease making unpleasant inferences about bitterness, obsession, and dysfunction.

Edited by Adopter
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and that relates how to IOM adoption services you castigated earlier?

 

John, I had the most dreadful realisation of exactly that whilst driving past the Oak tree 10 minutes ago. I was thinking of the other people, as far as the adoption services go I've nothing but praise for them so will off and delete my insane ramblings :)

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The "I wont reveal who you are" is particularly nasty, since it's dependent on and implies the statement "I know who you are". Combine that with the snarky "that can't be good for the adopted child" and it starts to look a wee bit sinister

Yes, for once I can imagine John stroking a pussy while making that post.

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You're basically saying that if the child's baggage becomes something that the parents cannot cope with or cope with alone then there is no recourse on the Island to find adequate support, which is a different case in the UK?

 

 

Yes - thats exactly right and the reason is the split between the two parts of what should be a single service

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You're basically saying that if the child's baggage becomes something that the parents cannot cope with or cope with alone then there is no recourse on the Island to find adequate support, which is a different case in the UK?

 

 

Yes - thats exactly right and the reason is the split between the two parts of what should be a single service

 

But there are still many voluntary adoption agencies in the UK who match children with families and vice versa, and once their job is done then, as in IOM its down to the family and if they do not cope statutory social services, not sure why you see the IOM as being any different

 

Social Services every where are stretched, under staffed and resourced. There is no book that is a definitive guide to parenting, natural or adoptive. You just have to cope.

 

No you have not touched a nerve, I clearly have, I am concerned that an adopter should suggest or advise not to adopt on IOM and suggest that up to 30% of adoptions break down. The total is very low, less than 10% of the figure you suggest.

 

Again I am sorry your experience, both with the adoptee and social services has been bad, but sweeping statements like do not adopt in IOM do you no credit and are potentially damaging.

 

the consortium of voluntary adoption agencies, over 30 independent charitable societies, with identical interplay to English statutory social services as in the IOM reports on annual numbers and failures through its members placements The accepted UK figure is 2%, with a close to zero rate with young infants and a higher rate for older children

 

The 600 plus local authorities however do not alway report or recognise break down and just like IOM many are small and do not have the expertise of the voluntary agencies

 

31 voluntary agencies pair 20 to 25% of all adoptions, an average of 33 per year each, 600 local authorities pair the rest, an average of 6 each per year. It is easy to see where the expertise lies on both sides of the Irish sea.

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You're basically saying that if the child's baggage becomes something that the parents cannot cope with or cope with alone then there is no recourse on the Island to find adequate support, which is a different case in the UK?

 

 

Yes - thats exactly right and the reason is the split between the two parts of what should be a single service

 

But there are still many voluntary adoption agencies in the UK who match children with families and vice versa, and once their job is done then, as in IOM its down to the family and if they do not cope statutory social services, not sure why you see the IOM as being any different

 

Social Services every where are stretched, under staffed and resourced. There is no book that is a definitive guide to parenting, natural or adoptive. You just have to cope.

 

No you have not touched a nerve, I clearly have, I am concerned that an adopter should suggest or advise not to adopt on IOM and suggest that up to 30% of adoptions break downd. The total is very low, less than 10% of the figure you suggest.

 

Again I am sorry your experience, both with the adoptee and social services has been bad, but sweeping statements like do not adopt in IOM do you no credit and are potentially damaging.

 

the consortium of voluntary adoption agencies, over 30 independent charitable societies, with identical interplay to English statutory social services reorts on annual numbers and failures through its members placements

 

The figure I quote was the one quoted to us! It was also pointed out that most of the literature is 10+years out of date and rates are much higher than the 10% you quote. According to Adoption UK, in 2010, "About a third of adoptions will go very smoothly, about a third of adoptions the families will need some kind of support...and then possibly up to a third, over the whole lifetime of the adoption, we think may break down."

 

Again, we can pedantically argue the figure, but that, again, misses the point. One disrupted adoption is a disaster, and often, with correct support for all parties in the initial stages the problem can be containable, the situation ameliorated. That support is just not available here. Social services refer any problems with an adopted child to the adoption service instead of following them up themselves. That may or may not be appropriate. However, having made that referral it beggars belief that they simply ignore the recommendations of that team, in a way that seems unheard of in the UK.

 

" There is no book that is a definitive guide to parenting, natural or adoptive. You just have to cope." Thank you for the benefit of your insight, I think our other (natural and adopted) children will show that we manged reasonably well.

 

I have to say that your attitude throughout this discussion has been less than pleasant. Thus so far, I've been characterised as bitter, obsessed,having a dysfunctional family, and failing to cope. Not all matters are best dealt with in such an adversarial manner. I think it is perhaps best if we just leave it there.

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