Shopping

[zephyr]

Today I have been shopping, to the supermarket I went

Produce of the world gathered together under one roof heaven sent

It started off quite well you see, I found a parking place in a trice

I could even open the car door I thought this was rather nice

 

After that it went down hill the flaming trolleys were padlocked

Did I have a quid coin on me? You guessed it I did not

Managed to get a trolley from an old dear who was coming out

She put up quite a struggle for a copper she did shout

Well I ran into the supermarket to avoid the gathering crowd

I looked at the stuff she’d bought and paid for she’d done us rather proud

 

I only needed a few things some bread some toiletries

I barged past a bloke with a stick

He was in the way I was hurried you can forgive me that please

Well he stumbled into the bread rolls they fell upon the floor

I could glimpse blue lights flashing in the car park through the door

 

I legged it through the fruit and veg nothing healthy for me I thought

When I nicked the reduced price cheese from the pensioner my god how she fought

I managed to evade her by taking away her zimmer

This exercise is no good for me I can feel myself growing slimmer

I heard the cries of ‘there he goes’ echo around the place

I clattered up the next aisle I was really gathering pace

 

It was at this point that one of the front wheels stuck

I careered into a tower of beans sod it just my luck

I believe the shelf stacker will be ok when she comes out of traction

The vitriolic rantings of the other staff didn’t seem a fair reaction

I was pursued through the household goods and into the frozen section

My feet were going like the clappers it was hard to make my selection

 

I skidded round the corner in a four wheel drift I slid

I knocked someone into the freezer I heard the slamming lid

The next obstacle that faced me was the wine and spirits

I’d lost control of the shopping cart I was well outside my limits

Brandy and babycham smashed on the deck

What a waste of alcohol but I wasn’t finished yet

A magnum of moet and chandon erupted like a fountain

The cases of beer exploded with glee the crimes against me were mounting

 

I finally couldn’t move anymore I’d run a valiant race

The state of this supermarket really is a disgrace

The long arm of the law it fell down upon my shoulder

‘You can’t touch me for this’ I said ‘I’m a prized customer card holder

Well that was it the truncheons flew, the walking sticks, the zimmer

I was being picked upon I was not the sinner

 

Now I sit upon the throne my trousers round my ankles

The phone is in the living room you know the one thing that rankles?

It wasn’t the fact that I was arrested or banned from the shop Oh no

The thing that is truly pissing me off

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t buy a toilet roll!