ans Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 yes I agree that fathers do often get the rough end of the stick in custody battles I shortened that to 'system sucks'.
Observer Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I think the system pretty much sucks actually - but maybe I expect an unrealistic level of fairness.
Minnie Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 yes I agree that fathers do often get the rough end of the stick in custody battles I shortened that to 'system sucks'. I didn't mention the system in that sentence. What I'm saying is some fathers do get the rough end of the stick with regards to the fact that they 'lose' their children to some extent ie they don't get to see them as often as they would if the family wasn't split up, "weekend dads". That's not a failing of the system, you just can't expect children to be passed from pillar to post, one day with the mother one day with the father, that's neither logical nor fair on the children. Unfortunately in custody cases, one parent is always going to lose out to the other when it comes down to the children.
Observer Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 It isn't always custodial though, it can be just access. Children are very flexible so long as they feel secure and loved - I don't go along with the one parent has to do without theory/weekend parenting. Shared care is feasible.
ans Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Unfortunately in custody cases, one parent is always going to lose out to the other when it comes down to the children. Indeed, and as you already agreed (unless you're about to contradict that too) sometimes the parent that loses out does unfairly because of perceptions and attitudes, mostly within the court system. Btw, custody battle ARE the system you clot.
Minnie Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 It isn't always custodial though, it can be just access. Children are very flexible so long as they feel secure and loved - I don't go along with the one parent has to do without theory/weekend parenting. Shared care is feasible. Children are not going to feel secure being passed from one parent to the other. They need to have a stable homelife and in my opinion spending one week with the mother then the next week with the father isn't stability, nor would it be practical either. Ans, can you not have a civilised debate without getting personal and calling names?
ans Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Ans, can you not have a civilised debate without getting personal and calling names? I didn't realise anybody would actually take offence to being called a 'clot'. I guess you're a delicate little flower huh? Can you not have a debate without contradicting everything you say? If you're not actually prepared to maintain the same stance throughout a discussion (and deny that you've changed) then there's little point in debating anything with you anyway. Clot.
Observer Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Minnie, I know a family who do more or less that and the child is happy, well balanced and confident. In fact the child (with parents) plans where they are going to be and switches around throughout the week with no set pattern. Both parents and child are extremely happy.
Cret Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Minnie - trust me, Ans IS being nice. I've noticed it a few times recently and it's unnerving. I think I see the point you're trying to make but he's right, you have contradicted yourself a good few times I'm afraid. Your point about stability for the kids makes sense but all cases I've been familiar with providing the parents aren't fighting tooth & nail or have poisoned the kids against each other then the kids often think it's great having two different homes/parents/birthday & christmas presents/pocket money etc! I'm not saying that's always the case of course but when the parents still get on ok, and the kids aren't being fought over or used as a weapon they seem to enjoy having variety of who they're with especially as kids always think at certain points that they can't stand a parent for a while. In my (reasonably limited) experience of kids with separated parents they seem perfectly happy with their lot.
Guitar star Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 hey, were u guys aware that marriage is punishment for shop lifting in some countries
Minnie Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Minnie, I know a family who do more or less that and the child is happy, well balanced and confident. In fact the child (with parents) plans where they are going to be and switches around throughout the week with no set pattern. Both parents and child are extremely happy. That's not always going to work for every family that splits up though is it? It certainly wouldn't work in my situation. And before everyone starts jumping down my throat and thinking I'm a bitter, twisted separated mother/wife, I'm not like that! My children live with me and spend every other weekend with their dad. Those arranngements are not set in stone, I don't tell their dad it's not his turn to have them, he can take them out whenever he likes, but the basic arrangements work for us........here with me is their main home, they go to stay with their dad as and when arranged.
Minnie Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I'm not aware that I've contradicted myself and if Ihave maybe what I've said has been phrased wrongly and I've been misunderstood. I do have faith in the system to decide the best place for the child to be. I do believe the best place for a child to be is with the mother, unless circumstances show her to be "unfit". I feel for fathers in custody/access cases because they do lose out to a certain extent, not because of a failing within the court system but because they are separated from the family life/children. Mothers do get more sympathy from employers with regards children but again that's not a failing within the court system, that's just the way people think in society today. My kids also think it's great having 2 homes etc, but they know that this is their main home. These are just my opinions, I'm entitled to them...........stop picking on me! lol And, yes ans, I'm afraid I am a delicate little flower
Ripsaw Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I believe that I rarely switch off my "daddy" mode as it is pretty much the way that I have chosen to live my life. Even when times are going well, I try to make sure that nothing I do now will be depremental in the future days, weeks and even years. Despite my attempts to be constantly aware, I still have "moments of realisation" My assertion of my personal beliefs about raising Junior in the second part was actually triggered some months ago, but didn't make it onto the Blog at the time, so I thought now was as good a time as any to throw it in. The event? Walking past a childcare centre and hearing a child cry. A father was walking past as the mother was leading the child to the door. I have no idea if they were a current or former couple, what I am aware of is that the mother shouting "See what f**king happens when you are near? I don't know why you don't just f**k off and leave us alone". The child was trying to pull away from mum and shouting "Daddy" between the screams. The dad was walking as he grunted something back at her. She disappeared with the child through the door, he walked off around the corner. Make of that scene what you will. All I could think was what sort of life they were showing and giving that child, what were they teaching him about responsibility and family love... I don't ever want my child to experience that. Our children didn't ask to be born, we adults (in most instances) make that choice for them. We then have to show and take responsibility for our actions for as long as we walk on this earth. Life is a miracle, it should never be taken for granted. Quote sourced from here
Cret Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 These are just my opinions, I'm entitled to them...........stop picking on me! lol And, yes ans, I'm afraid I am a delicate little flower I think it is just that you’re not putting your argument across particularly well Minnie but don’t stress atoo much about it. It’s not important at the end of the day is it, just each of us voicing our opinions even though they don’t make a scrap of difference to what actually goes on in the real world (ie away from the internet), and we’re not out to get you contrary to what you might think! Well, I’m not at least. I can’t speak for anyone else. Hang around here for a while and you’ll soon get a bit more thick skinned I think!
Ripsaw Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 I feel for fathers in custody/access cases because they do lose out to a certain extent, not because of a failing within the court system but because they are separated from the family life/children. Mothers do get more sympathy from employers with regards children but again that's not a failing within the court system, that's just the way people think in society today. Having not bothered with the "Court system" to come to agreement about the future of my child with his mother, I'm not in a position to speak from personal experience. We just sat down as 2 loving parents and agreed that whatever we did in our lives, he would NEVER come second in any of our future plans. There is NO place for selfishness or inflated egos in our childs life, and with hindsight (2 years) no court anywhere would have made a decision that benefited our child more than our own simple (and at no legal expence) agreement. If the child's wellbeing is put first, then no one method of visitation/access etc. is better than the other. If parents choose the "courts" to make simple decisions for them, then the court should see each parent as equals, none of this "children need one parent more than the other" xxxx. Children need male and female rolemodels equally. Circumstances may dictate that they have one week in turn with each parent, or weekdays and weekends swapping, but the underlying importance is that the child is NEVER questioned about their love for each parent, nor that favouritism is implied by either parent. It is then as simple as each parent accepting their responsiblity and making sure that they do their parenting duties to the absolute best of their abilities. Shared parenting can and does work in the case of our child. BTW, I'm male and work 9:30 to 4:30 to suit school and childcare times. In my interview, I expressed the fact that on occassions I may not be able to come in, may be late, or may have to leave early. It wasn't a problem to my interviewer, if it had been, then I would have gone elsewhere.
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