Bananaman Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 .............screaming "You've given me crabs you bastard, how could you!" I said "Hang on, before you blame me. Have a fucking word with your sister first!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terse Posted May 7, 2011 Share Posted May 7, 2011 The wife rang me screaming "You've given me crabs you bastard, how could you!" On reflection, "Who is this?" probably wasn't the smartest reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Spent an hour at my wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 The wife said to me this morning "You're the laziest bastard I've ever known, pack your bags and fuck off....." I said "You pack them!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terse Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 My wife rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 3 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be lucky... I only ordered one controller." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pauld Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so fucking long? just hit the bastarding ball will ya. The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of bloody hitting her from here!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pauld Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 The wife rang me and was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." So i bought her a set of scales. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face. My wife went fucking mental when she looked in his cot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IOMRS97 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 The wife came in and said, "I've just scraped the bumper on the car getting in through our gate posts. If you want to have a look at it, it's on the back seat". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tweek Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 The wife rang me and told me 'That Tony Brown's just retired' 'Cripes!' I said, 'I didn't know he'd even started working'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six appeal Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 The wife rang me from the pub the other night and in an effort to entice me home she said, "Hey sexy, there's a naked woman lying in your bed." "You two get started and I'll be over soon" wasn't the answer she was looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutley Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 "All we do is argue, we need to learn to get on," my wife said. "So let's try and speak the same language from now on, eh?" "Moooooooo," I replied. ------------ My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist. I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked the fucker out. Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue. -------------- I walked into my wife's hospital treatment room today, where she lay after being involved in an horrific car accident, suffering traumatic head injuries. "Hi babe," I said opening the door. "How's your head?" "I don't remember anything," she sighed. "Who are you?" "Erm...sorry luv," I stuttered. "I've got the wrong room". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supermac82 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 As I cradled my wife in my arms after the car accident I knew that she didn't have long. "Is there anything I can do for you my darling?" I said "Just..... one...... thing.." she struggled to speak. "Anything. Anything at all" I urged, "Could..... you..... stop smiling for one fucking minute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Albert Tatlock Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 My wife rang me while she was away on business..."how's the cat" she asked. I said it had climbed up onto the neighbours roof, fell off into the drive got badly injured, and then got run over by his son driving onto their drive. Birds had picked what was left of it and I had to bury what was left in the back garden". "Oh...you could have broken it more gently to me than that!" she said. "Thats' horrible". "What?" I said. "Maybe..." she said, "...like the cat had been sick a few times, climbed into the airing cupboard and died peacefully in his sleep. You want to think more carefully next time". "OK" I said. "How's my mother?" she asked "Well...er...your mother's been sick a few times..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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