Overdose Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer. ------------------------------------- Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My wife kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merkin Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer. Now THAT is funny !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the general Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection, you should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some slimming pills ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terse Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 My wife phoned me up to say she'd be working late because she'd got a little behind. I said "Don't lie... your arse is massive!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 I was feeling horny so I phoned the missus for a bit of phone sex. As she answered I said "Tell me you're not wearing any knickers." She said "I actually am not wearing any knickers." I replied, "Oh yeah baby, tell me what you're doing.........you naughty girl" She replied "I'm having a shit!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted November 24, 2011 Author Share Posted November 24, 2011 The wife said to me yesterday "I bet you can't go one day without cracking a joke about my periods" "You're on" I said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluenose 52 Posted December 1, 2011 Share Posted December 1, 2011 Woke up this morning to find the wife laying there on the bed starkers, she gave me that kind of look, you know the one, sensual like and said " What would you like to do to this body " I replied " identify it ". Now that didn't go down well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutley Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 My wife has been missing for two weeks. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endovelicus Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted June 29, 2012 Author Share Posted June 29, 2012 My wife left a note on the fridge. "It's not working anymore, I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my mum's." I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was cold...............fuck knows what she was on about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IOMRS97 Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 A multi-millionaire and his estranged wife were having one of their rare meetings, shortly before Christmas. Attempting to break the ice he said, "What would you like for Christmas"? "A divorce", she replied icily. "I wasn't thinking of anything quite that expensive", he replied. "Alright then", she responded, "How about a widows pension"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScotsAlan Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 The wife rang me just now...... from my girlfriend's phone ! Anyone have a couch for a few days? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
credente Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 The wife phoned me at work and said, "I'm not wearing any knickers" I said, "I'll tell the boss I'm feeling sick" She said, "So you can come home early and make love to me?" I said, "No, because I'm feeling sick." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I think my closest friend Julie is in a violent relationship and is getting battered and bruised by her husband. So not wanting to see my longstanding friend being treated this way, I sat her down and gave her some friendly advice. I said "Julie, you'll have to stop being so fucking annoying." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endovelicus Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Husband - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? Wife - That's a good idea... you do the ironing while I sit on the sofa and fart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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