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Peter Kay Says...


Bill Posters

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Posted

The Genius of Peter Kay...

 

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.

I said Thyroid problem?

 

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.

For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

 

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

 

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.

I don't get on with my real ladder.

 

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

 

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

 

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

 

9) Sex is like a game of bridge:

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

 

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

 

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

 

13) You know that look women get when they want sex?

Me neither.

 

Peter Kay's questions...

 

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

 

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

 

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

 

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

 

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

 

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

 

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

 

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

 

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

 

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

 

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

 

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

 

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

 

 

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

 

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

 

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

 

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

 

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

 

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

 

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

 

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

 

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

 

9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

 

10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

 

11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

 

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

 

13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

 

14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

 

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

 

16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

 

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

 

18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

 

19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

 

20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

 

21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

 

22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

 

23) You never ever run out of salt.

 

24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

 

25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

 

26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

 

27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

 

28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

 

29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

 

30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

 

31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

 

32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

 

33) Bricks are horrible to carry.

 

34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

 

35) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Posted

Saw this list a while ago somewhere, but never got chance to read it all. I just finished reading now and I havent laughed that hard for ages :lol:

Posted

"27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers."

 

Sadly, I do! Years and years of having suits, shirts and trousers dry cleaned when I lived in Guernsey accumulated dozens of wire coat hangers. All the plastic / wooden ones came from wherever I shopped for clothes and I asked to keep the hangers.

 

Sorry for spoiling the humour.

Posted

I hate odd socks, they breed and seem to have a life and will of their own.

 

Grrrrrrr......

Posted
Oh, for God's sake Mission, next you'll be telling us exactly how you end up with so many odd socks and where the lost socks are

 

There's no such thing as odd socks; if you take care when doing your washing, you will never lose a sock.

Posted

There are higher forces at work.... sock nicking evil ones....

Posted

Do what ya used to do with mitten so you never lost one!

 

stich elastic to each sock so will always be a pair :P

Posted
stich elastic to each sock so will always be a pair

 

Just imagine the fun non sock wearing people would have on a Friday night, watching all the drunken, elasticated together sock wearing people trying to walk home in a respectable fashion!

Posted

That's funny enough without the elastic.... :-)

Posted

Would be hours of fun could all swap one sock then could stay as a group all night without fear of losing someone :)

Posted

And create a convenient trip wire for that xxxxxx who is trying to push in at the bar. Sounds like a plan!

Posted

When I was at Glastonbury 2 years ago there was a Manx Sock Society stall. I could hardly believe it! It was ACE! They had 'sonar tracking devices' set up to track down all lost socks and had a 'missing' pin board with stories of folks who were re-united with their socks. Women were washing, darning and ironing socks together with taking enquiries from sad sock losers.

 

Rebel and I spent hours there - laughing with the 'do-gooding sock rescue' ladies. It was truly the surprise of the festival - especially funny as they didn't believe we came from the Isle of Man either...

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