irishwasa Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my tablets, they were marked LSD?'Granny replies, sod the tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! An Brit has started his own business in Afghanistan making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!Jonathan Ross has been accusedof shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come toBritain so that they can see their own doctor. What`s the difference between a dog and a fox? about 7 pints. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeverAgain Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 A Brit has started his own business in Afghanistan making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! In this P.C world I really shouldn't find jokes like that funny, but i've just spent the last 5 mins laughing my arse off, I can just picture someone kneeling down to prayer and being sent through the roof. Thanks for that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishwasa Posted August 4, 2013 Author Share Posted August 4, 2013 That's the trouble, these days, you are never quite sure what you are 'allowed' to find funny ... the world has gone way too serious. Glad you enjoyed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrighty Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I preferred the 'dress to kill' one. Same PCness issue applies to that one, which probably what adds to the humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdinburghBB Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 test reply Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erum Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 55 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDruid-3X3 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Here is a few more Quick Ones that just got Emailed to me: This is a repeat but it still made me happy!!! My favorite is about the water. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” Sooo... what's the problem ???A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me andbuy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again. Men will get it the first time. Water in the carburettorWIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous " WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car? WIFE: "In the river"This is a frightening statistic !25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated. A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Sainsbury's?He must pay ! Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mum and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you. Today’s Short Reading From the Bible… From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed! 3X3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDruid-3X3 Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 HOLY HUMOR A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite) ======== There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. ======== "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.." ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." ======== People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day , the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." 3X3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishwasa Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor."Please come quick I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that is a hotel maintenance problem." The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm so glad that you feel this way about my mother moving in with us." According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in PalestineA country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etcAnd he managed to find 12 friends calledJohn, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon..... who all drank wineThat's what I call a miracle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDruid-3X3 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I like the one about Jesus. But you forgot to include Judas as one of JC's Friends. At the Last Supper when JC said, "One of you Will Betray Me", it was not an Accusation. It was an Instruction actually which Judas Obeyed. 3X3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishwasa Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 A couple more that we are not allowed to find funny ..... Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishwasa Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 Someone threw a petrol bomb into Yate's Wine Lodge in Moorfields Liverpool earlier today, police said it was OK ---"someone drank it before it could go off." The wife & I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on, broke down a few miles North of the capital. What a place! Full of angry bearded types glaring at us & the Mrs stood out in her sundress as all other women had head to toe burkas.We are so dead I thought.Anyway, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Kings Cross & on to Kabul from Heathrow Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove... I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69 A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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