I see there is a vote running on the forum at present. You can vote for the best blog, best joke, best thread, best insult etc. Just about anything. I’m sure our good friend Keyboarder will be right up there for best troll. Because of the internet, we can now insult people from just about any corner of the world. Our insults can travel thousands of miles, and of course we can insult a lot more people at the stroke of a few keys. Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw did not have the benefit of the internet to insult each other, or for that matter to insult the masses. However, the quality of their insults was such that they have stood the test of time, and I am sure they are posted on many websites around the world. My favourite insults from these two gentlemen came in the form of two letters that were exchanged between the two of them. Shaw wrote to Churchill inviting Churchill to the opening night of his latest play. Shaw closed his letter with the words. “Please bring a friend, if you have one!” to which Churchill replied. “Sorry old bean I can’t come to your opening night. However, I will come to the second night if there is one!”

Not many people manage to insult an entire nation. However, Bernard Shaw managed to insult the entire British nation with this insult. “God will never allow the sun to set on the British Empire, because no one could ever trust them in the dark!” When Margaret Thatcher was asked for her opinion of Ted Heath, she replied. “I refuse to speak ill of the undead!” I am not really sure if that is an insult or not.

My Dad once whilst discharging a coal boat with a colleague who was not pulling his weight told him. “If you were cold, you would be too bloody lazy to shiver!”

An old Manx farmer, who had never married, was asked as to why he had not married. He replied. “I would rather go through life, wanting something I didn’t have, than having something I didn’t want!”

I’m not sure if this is an insult to women in general, or a compliment. An American film star once said, “There is no doubt in my mind that women are the best housekeepers. So far, I have been divorced 6 times, and every time she kept the house!”

Well, I guess Christmas is not the time of year to be trading insults. So, I shall retreat now to the banks of the Silverburn, and dream up something more appropriate for tomorrow’s blog.

Tom Glassey, on the banks of the Silverburn, deep in thought!