I hope this doesn't look like overkill from someone that has been blogging to keep you all informed of Toms progress when he decided to wind down his blog. I'm getting a strange kind of comfort from putting down my thoughts and speaking to his friends. I am receiving so many emails and messages of comfort that I want you all to know that after the funeral I will answer everyone of you individually. I haven't been able to email people previously as my mind was totally focussed on Tom and his needs. I couldn't manage anything else. He was my life and we were and still are soul mates. Now I don't have to look after his physical needs, I'm getting comfort from talking about him, planning for him and I will more than make up for my like of communication to our joint friends which includes all those who have never met him, but have communicated with him and have still meant as much to Tom and I

Today I still feel comfort that Tom has left his rather battered body which I like to think of as a crysalist. I'm hoping I can maintain that way of thinking when the funeral takes place on Saturday. Tom planned the songs for his coffin going in and going out of the church and wanted traditional hymns. I asked what they were and he said he wanted me to pick those so we had planned the funeral together. That is how we did most things, together. I am going to write the eulogy which I can only do with love and without the wisdom and wit that Tom would have managed.

At the moment this all appears quite controlled and matter of fact, but I think there is something I should possibly share with you that may help to explain my composure to a degree. Tom has an article going in Manx Tails in April where he writes about a peace that he recieved when he was in hospital 3 weeks ago. I'm not going to go into that now, but on Wednesday night when he knew the end had arrived, as he was going to sleep he said its the 1st time he was going to sleep without a goal. I told him his goal was to now find that peace he had recieved 3 weeks previously. In the course of the days that followed I asked him had he received that peace and he said yes. He said he wished he could share just 5 minutes of it with everyone who was grieving for him as it was indiscribable. I'm not going to temper my writing for the athiests and I am going to write this as it happened. I asked had he prayed and he said he had been talking to different people. He didn't recognise their voices but they talked to him. Knowing that I have a deep faith even though I don't go to any place of worship, Tom then said "I never said that God didn't exist you know. I just said that I believe that God is for all people he does not just belong to one particular religion or group of people. He is a God for all." I said that sometimes it sounded like he was anti, but Tom didn't want people trying to 'save him' or talk him into things. He was the most spiritual man I have ever met and even with my faith, he made me feel humble. I feel that I have a little of that peace he wanted to share. Maybe I'm in shock, maybe I will go to pieces at sometime in the future, I don't know. Maybe its the antidepressants. All I know is that for 18 years I have been married to the most wonderful man imaginable and we have been closer than most by virtue of his blindness. We didn't have children as we felt complete, married late and just wanted each other. Only a power greater than I can be giving me comfort now when I was totally distraught when Toms body died. For now I will enjoy that peace and now continue doing things that must be done.

Time for a cuppa I think. Thank you for continuing to read my ramblings. x