It has been a hard day but now I am sitting at my laptop in bed with an empty space beside me, I think it will be cathartic to write a little. I have known since Toms diagnosis last January that Tom wasn't going to live very long. 6 months to 2 years max was the figure I was given by more than one doctor and in every piece of information I could find on small cell lung cancer. Tom responded to chemo as happens in the majority of cases but it comes back. Tom was so optimistic when his chemo allowed him to walk miles again and I wanted so much to keep that optimism going. I didn't want any medical staff to burst his bubble and I genuinely felt that his optimism could carry him on for longer than expected. I'm sure we had more time together because of it and Tom certainly enjoyed last year. I used to trawl the internet as he slept looking for anything I could on the disease and cures. Everything pointed to the same dire prognosis. I made myself ill in my frantic effort to find a way of saving my husbands life. Luckily the doctor acted and I was given antidepressants for stress, anxiety and depression. Everytime someone remarked on how well I was doing, I felt like a fraud. I didn't even tell Tom for a while as it would have put out the wrong signals to him when he was in remission. Anyway, it all came out in the end when the cancer did return and even then I managed to keep the optimism going until this week when Tom struggled to get to chemo. He had been unwell for a few days and felt that the chemo would boost him and he would be fine again. Unfortunately the blood tests revealed that Toms liver was hardly functioning. It was explained that 3 weeks previously when the tests where done, his liver was functioning perfectly and within 3 weeks it had deteriorated dramatically. If it continued with such rapidity........ We went home and Tom new he could be helped no longer and he was dying. We didn't realise it would be so quick. Each day from Wednesday has seen a dramatic deterioration and Tom told me yesterday that he was going very soon and much quicker tahn we both thought. He said goodbye to all friends and family and by the time yesterday evening came, Tom was already fading quickly. I held him all night and all this morning until he died. To say I have been dustraught would be an understatement, but I didn't want Tom to suffer. He died peacefully in my arms and I am gratefull his struggle is over. The cancer was too aggressive to fight.

I'm numb at the moment and have also had little time to myself. i don't think the reality has hit home, This week I have to plan his funeral which will take place on Saturday 14th March at 2 p.m at Malew Church. I am now going to try to sleep as weeks of nursing Tom through the night has taken its toll. For now i will sleep and face another day tomorrow without my soul mate.