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So Much To Do



I really do have to apologise to everyone who has emailed and written to me. I am so unaware of time and it is passing so quickly. It is lucky that I have my mother staying with me at the moment as she is making note of where I am supposed to be or who is coming at any particular time. Cheryl I will be in touch when I have the things done that must be done now.

Cheryl had been editing Toms book as he wrote it and she will continue with that when I take up the task of completing it. Ian Cottier who was the headmaster of St.Ninians school has asked if he can proof read it when it is complete. I have taken him up on that and will know that there will be very few errors, if any when he has finished.

Yesterday I had to kick start myself into doing the tasks I have ignored over the past week, but which have to be done. I started by looking for the insurance which I couldn't find, only a document apertaining to the bank. That stressed me somewhat and I phoned up our insurance man who came to see me last night and he is sorting everything for me. It was a day for contacting various people to stop pensions/allowances etc that i wouldn't be entitled too. I just felt a little fragile yesterday after staying strong. Ann the hospice nurse came to see at lunchtime. Although Tom is not here now, i still feel I need to talk to her and find comfort in doing so.

I made some decisions acout Toms boat the Silverburn last week as well. It has been up for sale as Toms health failed, but I have decided to keep her. Young Chris, Toms captain will continue to look after her and take Toms brother Lenny out fishing. On really, really calm days when Chris isn't working, I would like to go to the Sugarloaf rock. It is a place I adore and I always feel like a female David Attenborough with all the birds diving around the boat and thousands standing on the ledges like little soldiers all chattering away. The cacophony of bird sound is something I can conjure up in my mind in an instant and it is magic. How could I sell the Silverburn anyway? Chris said he would love to sail the boat and look after her as he would feel close to Tom. He's an unbelievable young man who has been Toms captain since he was a young 14 year old. He spent the first week with Tom at Clatterbridge last year and inbetween treatments, he and Tom sailed on every boat possible on the Mersey, even the yellow duck. He was 20 last year and he made Tom very happy in that 1st week, doing the boys thing which i wouldn't have been able to do. We never had children, but Chris has been close to us as any son could be and so attentive.

Anyway, today I will have to go into Douglas and see one of the banks over Toms pension. I am also going to have to buy some clothes as I have lost so much weight that I was nearly at the end of my tether on Saturday trying to find something to fit. Eventually I found a suit I had put away in the spare room wardrobe. It was from my skinny days ro from when I did the weight watchers thing which worked for a short while. It was a suit I couldn't part with as I loved it and when everything else made me look like a female version from the film Big, the suit fitted perfect. Gordon Cringle the funeral director comes again tonight to find out what acknowledgements I want and to fill in more forms. I could do with a whole page to thank all the people I would like to thank.

I still feel Tom in my heart whilst all this is happening and as long as I don't allow myself to think of the physical loss, I can cope.

This is a poem Tom wrote to me when we were courting and I still have it on the original paper he typed it on. I don't think he actually composed it, but that matters not.


It nestles deep within us all,

And patiently awaits the call,

Intangible, unheard, unseen,

The very reason for our being.


Unknown to me before you came,

Then passion took it’s careful aim,

And set my sleeping spirits free,

You found the soul inside of me.


And if by chance my aim is true,

To find the soul inside of you,

Then you will know this love I feel,

Is not imagined or unreal.


So that our stars collide,

Together cross that great divide,

Into the world that we can’t see,

You touched the world inside of me.


The happiness with you I gain,

Is equalled only by the pain,

Of loneliness when we’re apart,

Which cruelly torments my heart.


And contemplate I cannot do,

The awful thought of losing you,

But hope and pray you’ll always be,

Joined inside the soul of me.


This is now an additional verse that I will have on his headstone and it is truly how I feel.


Contemplate I could not do,

The awful thought of losing you,

But now I know you’ll always be,

Joined inside the soul of me.


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