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Nothing Is Easy



As the time goes by, things aren't getting any easier, they are harder if anything. It is just over 2 weeks since Tom died and after the 1st week planning the funeral etc it is really starting to hit home hard. I have no problem sleeping and I am grateful that my dreams have reflected my present position rather than waking up going through the shock all over again. Maybe that is because we have had 18 months of fighting the illness with a roller coaster of a ride throughout. I was of course aware of the situation throughout and when we reached 2009 I knew that it would happen this year. The chest specialist told me that he knew of nobody that had survived more than 2 years with what Tom had and all the statistics backed it up along with other local doctors. My mother is still with me making sure I keep appointments, eat properly, take my daily medication for asthma etc and generally reminds me of what I was about to do before I got distracted. It seems like a mad world my mind occupies at the moment and I have avoided doing a blog because I have to motivate myself and I suppose I didn't want to show people the down side that I'm having now. I never did sort the banks out last week but that isn't so important yet due to the way we had our finances arranged. I have done very little to be honest, except a few phone calls here and there to make sure pensions and benefits were stopped. I took the cards down today as well. I waited until they appeared to have stopped arriving and now I have put them away for now. I will read them later along with the letters, when I feel more able. All Toms things are untouched and today I found myself burying my face in his cap and coat so I could capture his smell. In the 1st week he died I was playing his voice on a recorder that he used to save telephone no.s when he was on the phone. I played it the following week and instead of a warm feeling, I felt really bad. I will never hear his voice speaking to me or guiding me when I suggest something daft.

Last week I decided that Skipper was missing Tom too much and we needed another dog to keep him company, besides myself. I phoned for puppies that I had seen advertised but they had all gone. The lady was very nice and asked if I would like an older dog instead. That seemed an ideal solution as it would mean that the dog wouldn't be led by Skipper and we also agreed that if it didn't work out I could take the dog back. Thursday I went and collected a new addition to our family and she is a 7 year old little blue merl cocker spaniel bitch who has finished being bred. She's a little love and Skipper took to her straight away. We've had some problems as she decided she was going to be boss and Skipper allowed it until she went too far yesterday and he put her firmly in her place. He can now walk around the house without being growled at and he has gained his position back in the pecking order. Suzie is her name and Tom would have loved her. He always would have liked a spaniel after the faithful dog he had when he was a child which left his grandfathers to come and live with him. She did lead me a dance on Saturday when I took her and Skipper to the beach for the 1st time. All was going well when all of a sudden she took off. She had been so good walking at the side of me and I'm afraid she led me into a false security. I ran after her through every puddle going, up the pebble bank near Derbyhaven, over the golf course and I was just about at the end of my ability to keep going whn I sank to my knees in a rough area of the golf course and pleaded with her to come back. Thank goodness she had a heart and returned to her new exhausted owner. On went the lead and I walked her and Skipper back to the car along the main road. I had left my mother sitting in the car whilst I wlked the dogs as it was a bit windy and it would have agravated her angina. As I approached the car after my cross country run, she just looked at me, rolled her eyes and tutted. Aparently she had been highly entertained watching it all and didn't expect to see me to soon as she saw me disappear as a dot on the horizon scrambling with Skipper after my runaway pooch.

Yesterday I was walking along the Silverburn River thinking about the two dogs, about Tom and what he would have said if I'd have broached the subject of a pal for Skipper. In my head I was telling him that it was a great way of trying another dog with Skipper as I could always take her back. He then answered me "But you won't though will you?" That stunned me a bit as I never thought that way when I went for her, but he is totally right. He knew /knows me better than I know myself. No I won't! No matter what problems may transcend, I will find a solution and make it work. Suzie won't be going back and Tom is still talking with me as I walk the banks of the Silverburn if I listen and don't let earthly sorrows cloud my mind.


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