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Talk About Him


BarbaraG

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Yesterday I was at the doctors for a check up. I'm not as good as I thought I was when I wrote the other day. What others see when they speak to me is someone who is a bit all over the place. Certainly not ready for work according to to the medical people and I have another note. I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm not getting it together long enough to be 'normal' or 'getting on with life' but they keep explaining that the sort of relationship we had means that it is going to take some time. Not only because of the magic relationship, but also because I was a 24/7 carer for over a year and a carer of sorts throughout our relationship. Time and talking about Tom is all that is going to help. I do talk about him in a way, but I have been doing it without allowing myself to actually feel it. Not allowing my mind to dwell. More matter of fact than the man that still lives in my heart. Anyway I must start to remember Tom and the life we had, the things we have done, instead of trying to block it. For me it is much easier to share my memories with you than it is to talk to one person. I can talk to you anytime I want, day or night and share the happy times we had. There were sad ones as well, but in the main, life was happy. Very, very happy.

This morning I was remembering the time we put the tent up at the Point of Ayre. We bought a 6 man frame tent as I heard they were easy to do and I always had to look for easy if it meant I was going to do it. What a nightmare! I wouldn't have managed it at all if Toms friend Geordie hadn't been the lighthouse keeper at the Ayres. For one I would never have reached anything with my 4'11 stature and working out the instructions was like doing the Krypton Factor. My brain just doesn't do it. Anyway, up it went and Tom, me and the dogs (Bessie and Escort the guide dog) settled down for a weeks camping. In actual fact, the idea was that I would go to work in the week and come back at lunchtimes. We lived in St.Johns at that point and I worked in Ramsey. It seemed a great idea and I'd be seeing so much more of Tom with him being so close. We placed the tent on the flatest bit of ground we could find and sheltered from one side by the wall around the lighthouse buildings. All was well until the gale arrived. One by one the flimsy wire pegs popped out of the sandy ground and Tom and I sat for a whole afternoon on the bottom of the tent at the back with the radio between us listening for the shipping forecast and praying for the wind to abate. We hung onto the tent for grim death and with each gust we were lifted off the ground and down again. Hours later it did calm down and we could relax. No-on could help us whilst that went on. We just had to ride out the storm and hang on. Our friend Geordie hadn't been idle all that time though. He turned up with massive iron pegs that he had made for us whilst we hung on. The pegs were still still red hot from Geordie bending and making a good spike on the end of them. The rest of the week was great. The sun was out the whole week. I tottered off to work in my high heals each day whilst Tom sat and listened to his radio and talked to whoever passed, and the dogs just ran and ran. In the evenings Geordie and his wife Margaret would join us for a few drinks and occassionally more than a few and it was a great week. We only went home when we thought Escort had something up with his eyes. He was a Golden Retriever but his eyes started to look like a blood hounds, blood red and droopy. When we got home Bess and Escort slept for 3 days. They were absolutely pole axed and that was when we first realised that Escorts droopy eyes were the equivalent to a human with bags under their eyes. It was probably that week that the idea of moving closer to Ramsey came into our minds. Either way, we never went camping in the tent again. The instructions blew away in the gale and the thought of erecting it on my own was enough to stop me. A vicar in Port St.Mary bought it as I remember and we eventually went on to buy a little Bambi motorhome. Tales of the Bambi to follow later.

It is now time for me to sort my animals and birds out. I hope you don't mind me unburdening myself on you and reminiscing. You are going to help me through by just listening and being there.

This is Barbara on the banks of the Silverburn, with lots of friends out there.

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Morning Babs, you are the first thing i log onto in a morning hoping in anticipation you have written something about whats going on in your life. I LOVE hearing about what you are up to, so i for one want you to keep it up!!!! You know I look after my mum full time & have done for a long long time now, I don't think people realize just HOW hard it is & your life is never your own 24/7. She's 87 now & i will miss her when she's gone.

Loved the little duck story yesterday & i dreamt last night that i found one in my bed!!! I woke up to feeling Colins hairy chest!!!!! Have a happy day, lots of love Pauline XXXXXX :hug:

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It was different for me Pauline. Tom was my life and so the 24/7 wasn't something I would have done any differently. I didn't want him to suffer anymore than he did and he tried so hard to keep things from me so I wouldn't worry. The problem was I was also trying to keep him positive and knew all the time the eventual outcome and that it would be no longer than 2 years. We were in it together and so I was awake when he was and slept when he did. There was nothing more lovely than lying awake in the middle of the night and whispering "Are you awake?", with an excited Tom replying "yes." It meant a cup of tea, a chat and who cares. We will sleep in the day instead. On the downside it was hard when he woke gasping and it was oxygen or nebuliser, but again, we were in it together and I just went with it. It was different caring for your partner than it would be your mum. You still have your partner to consider and life will be hard for you. For me, I was just with Tom and nothing else mattered. Now I'm crying. Never mind, it has to be done. xxx

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Hi again, i know what you mean & Colin & I often talk about 'what if'. I think we are both on the same wave length when we 'know' how we'd both feel if the other was to pass. I would feel like you if I lost him. We have been together 20 years this Oct 2nd & married 6 years this year on the same day & I still get excited about him coming home from work each day, we enjoy doing a lot of things together & thankfully like doing a lot of similar things, although i could murder him sometimes!!!! Thankfully you will be with Tom again but enjoy doing what you are doing at this time.

Mum & I have just been watching a HUGE wood pigeon sitting on the bird feeder watching us in the conservatory. We have loads of other birds coming in too, sitting in here makes you feel like you are amongst them they are so close.

Pucker up!!!!! Polly Parrot XXXXXXXXXXX

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