'Just be' are two words that I have been told to try and do many times in the past 5 months. It has never really meant much and probably aggravated me quite a bit because I have been unable to 'Just be.' I have sought out company whenever I can with new people, new things to do, old friends to see, new walks, up, out, in, write, busy, busy, busy. I've talked about things but have done it clinically if it has involved Tom and if possible I have tried so hard not to think or do anything that we have done togethe and so it goes on. Now I am at that place. Now I know and understand the words 'Just be.' Now I am slowing and thinking. I am crying, but it is now done out of grief and not of depression. Now, only now can I tell the difference. Now I am me! I hope that you don't think I have lost the plot, if you do, then maybe I have. What I do know is that I now want to talk about Tom. I want to remember his laughter, his singing, his whole being and the comfort and love I felt just lying in the crook of his arm or resting my head on his chest with my arms around his waist as he hugged me. I can now sit here in the quiet as I have done for months without the TV on or anything else. Before it was because I couldn't watch TV because I wasn't interested, couldn't be bothered, hadn't the patience and just didn't want the noise. Now it is because I am feeling peaceful and haven't even thought of the TV as I am busy trying to pick up on everything I have abandoned. Where to start is my biggest problem. I want to play my brass instrument again, I want to paint, I want to write the book for Tom, I want to camp out and see the beauty of the sunrise and sunset, I want to walk every beautiful walk there is on the Island, I want to 'Just Be'.

For the past few days I have been in this reflective mood and I pray it lasts. I have spent the last few months wishing desparately to have Tom back even though it is imposssible. Logic doesn't enter into it when you hurt so much. I still hurt but in some strange way I am managing to feel that love I have for Tom in a positive way. Instead of it being an all consuming pain because he is not with me, I am feeling the love I have had for all those years supporting me now. I told Toms friend Michael today that I have asked myself that question "Is it better to have loved and lost than never loved before?" The answer is a resounding yes. I have a love that many people never have in a whole lifetime. We had something very special and instead of crying now, I should be happy that he is out of pain and in peace waiting for me.

Don't for one minute think that this is how I should have been all the time or others the same. It isn't possib;e to think that way when your heart is torn in two and you are left as though you have had a heart and mind amputation. In truth I am still functioning with a very large part of me missing, but the part that is left is learning to compensate. Obviously there are limitations as a large part of the bit that was amputated from me was the wisest and the part that is left keeps making awful mistakes and wishes the wise part was around to help. Of course there was much more amputated than wisdom and of course a massive physical part as well, but even though so much has gone there is so much love, so many memories and a spirit that nothing can quell.

I will do another blog this week with my weekly updates on the clan, a report on my weekend walk and the dreaded insurance, but for now, I wanted to share this quiet, peaceful state that is with me now.

Love from Barbara on the tranquil banks of the Silverburn River.