Ingredients

2 large speakers

Shown are a pair of 18inch Goodmans 100w speakers. Absolutely ideal, good bass output and a particularly heavy chassis.

Select appropriate music eg Lena Martell, Derek Batey 100 Favourite Hymns (Vol 4 and Vol 5), Jim Reeves. (Le pièce de résistance)

Vinyl capable music centre or Hi-fi, with repeat play LP record facility

Note: vinyl not strictly essential and a CD player would do but only if you can obtain suitable CDs.

Rocking chair

Woolie jumper eg skiing type jumper with pleasant pattern

½ bottle of red wine

ditto vodka

Method

Lock front door

Place speakers face down on floor

Sit in rocking chair and attire with Val Doonican type jumper

Guitar optional

Warm up with suitable music such as Lena Martell. There are some classic tracks on her greatest hits album you know I have emboldened this bit because apparently Lena has been nominated in a Worst One Hit Wonders list or something.

Pump up the volume for each glass of wine/vodka

On approaching a state of unconsciousness ensure appropriate record (eg Jim Reeves gospel music) is placed on deck with repeat facility set

Check volume is at max.

Drift away to that Gospel Music until the following day

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The matter was further helped by the people in the flat below apparently having taken some bad acid, whatever that may be. I understand that the effects of Gentleman Jim Reeves were greatly, greatly enhanced. Apparently, at some stage in the night they had been banging on my front door and loudly threatening to kill me. They later peered through the letter box and glimpsed me peacefully slumped in my rocking chair, apparently lifeless, whilst 100 watts of Gospel music rang out. Because they had been delivering death threats for the past couple of hours they believed that they had somehow been responsible for ending my life and they had fled - never to return.