Yesterday was a lovely day and today is similar except with a slight easterly wind. I walked on Langness yesterday and the sea was like a mill pond. The houses along Shore Road and the rocks where mirrored in the sea and it was so calm and peaceful. Only the sound from the occassional plane taking off broke my reverie. The skylarks soared above singing as they rose high into the sky and then dropped down to the ground as though the power was suddenly switched off from their wings. The tide was out and a young seal struggled onto a rock on the Castletown side of Langness. No other people or cars were there, so I was able to let Skipper run freely right to the tip. Its amazing what thoughts come into a persons head when they are walking alone like that. I thought of my 1st walk with Tom and how I felt shy holding his hand when I was just a friend. I thought about the planning we had done to teach him to cook and the joy on his face when he took his first casserole out of the oven. It was a recipe he got out of a braille magazine and it involved sausages, eggs, tomatoes, sliced potatoes and onions. I can't remember the details fully, but it was delicious and I was so proud of my domesticated husband who went out of his way to do as much as possible in the house whilst I was at work. I brailled the cooker, the washing machine and anything else he thought he could manage. In our first house in St.Johns he even tried to vacuum and clean but we had a coal fire initially and the fireguard kept following him around the room. He only messed up once with the polishing and he polished everything with air freshener and spray furniture polish in the air. Not good for an asthmatic like myself!

I took my mother to the hairdressers in Castletown after my walk and I just hung around until she came out looking good. After a bit of lunch in cafe in Bank Street, I decided to take the dogs to Fort Island. The day was still nice and Skipper loves Fort Island. I don't know why really as it doesn't have as much walking for a dog as Langness. Again it was beautiful and I couldn't help but look at things with future paintings in mind. John Corrin the butcher arrived with his dogs and Skipper had a good romp with them. Thats when I saw a side to Suzie I didn't know about. Everytime Johns dogs came and sniffed her, she screamed like she'd been murdered. Even Skipper was puzzled at that one.

Today I took my Mum to the airport and even though I felt I needed the space now, I did feel sad. I'm normally pleased when people go back, but today I missed Tom badly. We used to be so chuffed to have ourselves to ourselves again and today it was me on my own. That was a first for me and I did break my heart for a while, even burying my face in a cushion that was in the place where Tom always sat. I could smell him on the cushion & decided I wouldn't be able to wash that for some while. It even felt like the last 18 years have been a dream and now I have woken up to reality. As I started to write this blog my young niece came online with MSN. Her name is Fi(ona) and she is 17. She is my sister Jacquelines daughter and is at college. I told her I was doing this blog and how sad I was. She wrote aww, it will be okay, you know hes always there with you. It was the reminder I needed to buck me up again, but I didn't expect it from one so young. As I write this I have just remembered the song Tom requested to have sung at our wedding day. That will be 18 years tomorrow and I have a heart wreath to put on his resting place. Anyway, I have just looked on the internet for the lyrics of the song and they are so apt for me now. He was such a wise man my Tom.

I'll Walk Beside You

I'll walk beside you through the world today

While dreams and songs and flowers bless your way

I'll look into your eyes and hold your hand

I'll walk beside you through the golden land

I'll walk beside you through the world tonight

Beneath the starry skies ablaze with light

And in your heart loves's tender words I'll hide

I'll walk beside you through the eventide

I'll walk beside you through the passing years

Through days of cloud and sunshine, joy and tears

And when the great call comes, though sunset gleams

I'll walk beside you through the land of dreams.

I just have to keep remembering his promise. x