I keep meeting people who say they are reading my blog. I have to admit that I have not written as I don't want to depress people, but I was told by one that they want to know how I'm doing. I suppose I am doing OK, but its hard to tell really. My mum is still here but she is going back on Thursday morning. I do feel ready to be on my own now and I have my sister Janet coming on Saturday evening for a week. That will be a week of walking and watching the birds. She's an avid twitcher. I love watching the birds, but its as I walk and if they happen to be there, thats a bonus and adds to a pleasurable walk. When Janet goes back I am then hoping to have some time on my own to find a new routine and get on with everything that is on the back burner. I must be improving as I am now looking at things that need doing and I am determined to give my aviary a good clean this weekend. I have kept on top of the birds, but I'm pretty keen on perch scrubbing and giving the birds a healthy environment. I have to spend some time to get things back up to scratch and playing hunt the cockatiel nesting areas. Suzie the spaniel has settled in lovely and although Skipper has tried to maintain the upper paw, Suzie always manages to get her own way. Thats my girl. She's a treat to take out as she walks just behind my legs where as Skipper attempts to drag me. I've tried all the training methods but he is a bit of a sod and will choke himself before he will give in.

It will be Tom and my wedding anniversary next Friday. It would have been 18 years. When I 1s married Tom I was so happy, I kept thinking I would die. I didn't think it was possible to have so much happiness and for it to last. It was about 5 years before I settled down and realised that such happiness was mine and to the day he died, I kept that happiness. For the past year it has been accompanied by an awful sadness because I was going to lose him, but I had the happiness whilst I had Tom. Its strange how things feel for me at the moment. I'm sad that he isn't here with me and yet there is a secret happiness in me as I know he is waiting for me. It is very hard to explain and I must say that hearing his voice is still very hard for me as that is the part of him I have lost and can never regain. When I am on my own again, I will have time to reflect properly. I have still to do thew book and this is another task I can only do when I am on my own again. It is going to be very difficult as Tom was very optimistic when he was writing the book. I've tried to reflect on whether it is better to lose someone suddenly without warning or slowly with an illness. I would probably say that with a slow illness, there is time to say all the things you want to say and yoiu can't help but to plan ahead in your mind even though it is agony. Tom even gave me advice for when I was on my own. I was also able to ask him what he thought I should do about this and that. I cried whilst we did it and he held me, but at least I had the best advice any wife could have.

Can you feel the pain as I write this? That is how I'm doing to be honest. I'm strong most of the time and have this great love in my heart, but I try to block things so I don't feel this pain. The doctor said not to block things and others say cry if it makes you feel better. The problem is, if I have a good cry I feel like rubbish. My head aches, my nose is blocked and I still feel bad, so I try not to think if I can. I suppose there are lots of people who can identify with how I feel. I've also come out with a flippin itch that the doctor keeps giving me different things for. Antihistamine creamand tablets don't work and I'm on some that make me sleepy now, so I can only take them on a night or my mother thinks she's staying with a zombie. I can scratch for Britain and nothing helps. It is a result of my bereavement and I am hoping I will find something to stop it eventually or people will thing I'm lousy.

I have still to apologise to Dorothy, Long, Cheryl, Pauline, Elizabeth, James, Linda, Wendy, Eileen, May, Joyce, Sarah, Janine and anyone else I haven't mentioned who has emailed me and still not had a reply. I stress because I haven't replied and although it would be quicker to do so than stressing, I still cannot put my mind to it yet. Be aware that I am thinking of you all and in time I will be in touch.

Now I'm going to see what I can do to stop my itching. aarrggghhhhhhh!