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Tuesday 21st April


BarbaraG

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Today is certainly a change from the weather we've been having. It isn't raining, but I have woken for quite some days now to brilliant sunshine. Last week was a very mixed week. I used it to catch up with a few people that had been sidelined whilst I had my Mum and Sister staying with me. I'm afraid I'm still eating out a lot and can't remember when I last cooked a dinner. I suppose I will settle down in time, but I have to go with things for now. Last Thursday I went to the bank in Douglas and had Tom's name taken off the account. I still have one bank left to do it with, but at least I've made a start. I did a bit of shoping in Douglas afterwards with my friend Eileen. We had a good time and laughed quite a bit. Did I feel guilty? No. Tom would want that. I'm afraid the tide turned after that though. Later on that evening I went to bed early and gazed at our wedding photo on the way. The damn burst and the pain and loss was unbearable as the tears flowed. The next morning was no better and probably much worse. I had to call on another friend, Karron, to come and do my aviary as I was beyond doing anything but sobbing. The hospice nurse came as she had been as a follow up since Tom died and she just talked and explained that this is what they'd all been waiting for. It was all part of the grieving process and it had to happen sooner or later. With having people staying with me, it had delayed the process. My head pounded with all the crying and I then realised all the stages of grieving I had been going through that I wasn't aware of. Numbness, anger, intense sadness and then a letting go. The thoughts of letting go made me even worse. Accepting that Tom had actually gone. I know he died, as I had held him in my arms all through the night and the next morning in our bedroom, until he went. But now the actual reality of living my life out without him took on a new, depressing meaning. The nurse asked me what would Tom say to me if he was here. He would have just put his arm around me and let the tears come as he would know it had to be done. Then he would gently speak to me and explain that he would like to be with me also, but it cannot be and so we have to make the most of what we have. He will be waiting where time doesn't exist and he would hope that the time we are apart is not as long as the time we spent together. That is what he said when he was alive and the words still hold true. I bucked up throughout the day and I haven't sobbed since. It doen't mean it won't, but for now I am more settled with my situation.

On Sunday I met Toms Mum, brother Lenny and his wife Rosie in Port St.Mary golf club for dinner. I can highly recommend it. As I sat there eating, I heard snipets of conversation from the next table. I heard the words 'Read', 'Blog' and it was followed by 'always positive', 'never felt sorry for himself'. I knew instinctively it was Tom they were talking about. I thought about it afterwards and decided that Tom always tried to turn a negative into a positive. I'm going to try and do the same. Yesterday was a beautiful morning and I awoke with a spring in my step. Toms mum has had real problems walking with a very painful knee. I phoned the doctor at 8 a.m. and got her an appointment. I looked out of my bedroom window and watched a small floack of beautiful goldfinches flitting from branch to branch in the garden. There were lots of other birds, doves, blue tits, starlings, robins, chaffinches, blackbirds, thrushes, PIGEONS, and my own aviary birds adding to the mellay, but the colours of the goldfinch stand out and are so beautiful. I even brushed off my brass cornet (short trumpet) and played a few tunes. I hadn't touched it for 18 months. I phoned a couple of friends, Pauline and Ray Cregeen and asked if they fancied an afternoon sitting at Langness in theirs and mine camper. So yesterday afternoon I took Toms mum out with me to Langness and we all enjoyed dinner cooked by Pauline and cream scones baked by Toms mum Nel. Nel is nearly 82 and a wonderful example of how to cope with all life thows at you. She has lost 2 sons and her husband, and she is brilliant. Of course she feels it, but she manages so well. Nel had a little sleep in my little camper afterwards and loved her afternoon out. I made the mistake of putting on a pair of shorts and you could have played dot to dot on my goose pimples. It was a little sea mist that chilled the air a little, but my white legs haven't seen the light of day for quite some time, jeans being the preferred dress attire. There are a lot of nesting birds at Langness now and its all very lively. Tom would have loved the curlews and the lapwings calling yesterday. Never mind, I managed to let his mum sleep with the sounds around her that she won't hear in her home and it was so peaceful as well.

Today I have to see the chest specialist this afternoon and Nel has to have xrays on her knee and hip to find the cause of her pain. We'll have a cuppa in Spill the beans cafe at the hospital and we will enjoy each others company and support each other.

I hope you all have a good day and I promise in my next blog I will lighten up and do some story telling.

Love

Barbara

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