Bored rigid so read almost every page of today's Examiner. I read Fenella in the same way one pokes a sore tooth...twisted sort of pleasure in seeing if the bad bits are still as bad! Anyway, she made a comment about a friend noticing how many people are going for treatment for cancer and it was explained away that perhaps because we live in such a small community we actually know - or know of - people who are going for treatment. If you lived in the UK the chances are that you wouldn't know
How sad am I? Cant even bring myself to read the thread on 'cure for cancer' on these very forums. I know too much, you see. A violent unthinking, unreasoning rage is within me, close to the surface, bubbling away unseen like a hideous jurassic carnivore who hasn't had any dinner - sort of like the Sweeney! So I dont look. I promised myself I'd never sucumb to extremes of emotion, believing that it would only damage me in the end - but I can put up with a bit of crumbling at the corners these
death, that is. So so sad and poignant. Same ward for a time as well. I honestly dont know how a person could cope emotionally working in this line. How does your soul cope when your patients die all the time? And yet, here they are smiling as if you are the patient they've specially come to work today to see. How do they do it? Of course it's a calling - but from whom?Here's a statistic - 6 teenagers a DAY find out they've got cancer. So when you're feeling life has kicked you in the teeth
And what has this experience taught me so far? That you know who your real friends are in adversity. But that comparative and complete strangers can surprise and delight you with their good will and generosity. What the word 'aquaintance' really means. That some people run for the hills when emotions are involved, and we have also learned that there is no shame for them in that. We have learned about tolerance and about keeping your face as straight as a poker player in Vegas when circumsta
Well we had a setback - probably the first of many over the coming months - and no chemo because the line had a clot in it. In the awful position of having to wait for a porter to push the wheelchair back up to the ward where they are waiting to take it out...and wait... and wait - til finally a doctor came down to see what had happened. Sat in a bizarre wheelchair queue of people at least 30 years older, burping, farting and coughing and sneezing - I placed myself between them and my precious c
Somehow, if I had seen a vision of my child with head shaved - I would have believed it some kind of initiation to join some hippy boho commune or something. Or a religious order. Or something.Not cancer. you just dont see that on the 'medium' shows do you....yes..i can see you with your head shaved..and yessss...you have cancer...and it's life threatening...clapping from the studio audience......keep hearing the peter cook and dudley moore skit from 'derek and clive live' where every person th
Danny Feeney died. Same hospital, same ward, next door but one room. We owe a great debt to him and Graham; helping us unselfishly even when they were undergoing much much worse than us. Smiling and joking and taking the mickey, telling us not to be afraid, even telling the professor bloke in charge to look after us properly or else. Sending us get well cards and a teddy to hug.We didn't go this week because of a low blood count - too low for a dose of chemo - isn't that a contradiction in term
I'm thinking of getting a t-shirt that says 'Stanford V saved my life' to be handed out when the course is over and successful (derrrr!) Thats the chemo stuff - 12 weeks of it. I already bought the wristbands from the teenage cancer trust website. saddo!Ordered a wig today amid much black humour of the benny hill kind with wigs flying off in the wind, on the end of fishing lines or dogs chasing after it if it comes off...not to mention that sometimes ALL your hair drops off - nudge nudge wink
So we sat, witnesses for the victim, injections and tablets and finally, watching as the drip did its hateful/wonderful job, red as blood and stinking like nail varnish remover...waiting for nausea and vile sickness or worse... and waited, and waited some more... it didn't happen, and even though the nurses had 'I told you so' writ large upon their foreheads, we said nothing and slid out for a pint whilst the patient watched eastenders...!Chemo works by killing off rapidly reproducing cells at t
Someone I have had a bit of a rift with sent me an email today offering help of a major kind. Simply stunned. Simply simply stunned. Between you me and the gatepost - I have been trying complementary vits and other good stuff - and something said by the medical bods makes me think - could it be working? They are professional people and dont make mistakes about the size of tumours, so how come the size has gone down in the 2 weeks since I started giving the 'extras'? I'm grasping at straws of
Gave myself minus marks out of nothing today for wanting to run and hide in the deepest darkest hole and let someone else deal with the responsibility that comes with parenthood. Then I thought, I'm only watching this - how terrible is that when I even consider not being there? The shame was like a bucket of ice water and I found a bit of reserves left, took a deep breath and did it. Horrendous is not even close to the experience.There were at least 3 other Manxies there today - some much muc
Someone left a message to say we'd missed an appointment at a hospital across today. It might help cut down on the 'no shows' if they let the patient know in advance, dont you think? Or am I way out on a limb here with those kind of radical suggestions? So professional, makes you feel positively rosy with confidence doesn't it? My inner self is demanding we 'go private' immediately.Cannot describe my feelings without reverting to anglo-saxon.
Wigs - what's that all about then?! Oh, I've seen some belters. Danny La Rue would be positively spinning. That shows my age. Bet you dont know how they keep em on. It's a sick world out there, let me tell you that for nothing!Someone sent bunches of flowers round and I wanted to scream and scream till I made myself sick - anger management courses could be good i'm thinking!Someone else sent round such a maudlin card, we hid it. Not dead yet for heavens sake. Hysterically funny if it wasn't r
looks like I'm going to get to know them well. Back up to speed now, apologies for the wallowing in self-pity. I'm feeling much more positive having seen the specialist, have some direction now and a known enemy to fight.Doing alot of research, thank you internettyweb
Has the island ever looked more beautiful today when the sun shines? Do you ever want to live anywhere else on a day like today? I can't bear it, just want to run away and hide.How is it that people who've done the most terrible terrible things live to ripe old ages in prison and yet someone who has never done anyone any harm gets a bout with chemotherapy? I've had my faith tested in many ways over the last few years and yet I have to ask, why test my faith out by hurting someone I'd die for? Wh
As we received the bad news, I stood beside myself and gave myself marks out of ten for calmness under fire, reasonable queries and above all - nodding in a structured manner...I could win gold for nodding based on my performance today. I gave the consultant a whacking 8/10 for style, empathy and content (10/10 only awarded if it had been the all clear, of course). Imagine having that job, I thought to myself, and then going home for tea. honey, I'm home...Anyway, back to the waiting game. It's
another visit next week. does the afternoon timing mean they have bad news and want to get through the day's work before dealing with the distraught? or what? will i remember what he says? why do you go blank in the docs?two words - if only...
Blustery today with highs and lows and periods of extremely heavy rain. Not much sunshine to speak of but it's welcome none the less.I used to think there were worse things, but it turns out there isn't. Life goes on and I wish it would stop so I can pause to gather my thoughts, probably get a full 14 days solid sleep in and then step up again, fresh and ready to go. I nearly put ready for anything, but I dont think I'll ever be without the weather eye out again watching for the attack on my b
LL got caught today with pants on fire. The moment of triumph, when it finally arrived, was mute and rather anticlimatic. Dull as ditchwater, the little squirt blustered and tried to talk his way out of it again, but I think this is, as our American cousins like to say, "strike two!" I shant be there for strike three, but it really wasn't worth it after all.My friends have seen through the mask and I have been well and truly bollocked for trying to be noble and ultimately, I was told, the centr
I have so many friends, any one of whom would be mortified at the thought of me carrying this alone - yet I cannot tell them how desperately worried I am. Because they will tell their partner and/or their best friend and they will only tell one other who will tell their mum who will tell someone they meet at a bus stop, and eventually it will come back to me made common knowledge and insensitive by the many hands who have held the story of my soul and breaking heart.I am standing tall for my fa
mad, bad and dangerous to know... today! Had a verry bad day indeedy, ran through shoite at about mid thigh level and came out on top holding the fort whilst all others fell by the wayside and wet their pants.... I'd like to say I planned things this way, but I didn't, sometimes stress makes big men weep and others leaders of weeping men.... smokin...!damnn I'm good...sometimes!!
a love-heart with a fruity suggestion left on the CEO's desk today....someone's bowels burst in spectacular fashion in the gents powder room....And guess what - show me the lie-detector machine officer - it wasn't me!!There is ANOTHER player in the game, hitherto unknown amongst the lurking shadows, moulding blu-tack into turds and todgers. Who knows what grievances they are harbouring? Against whom? And for how long? I have less than 3 weeks to find out.....oh boy this is going to be good.
Bought a tube of love hearts at the weekend, and left them in places where the lounge lizard would find them. Oh Lord, thank you for giving me the gift of second sight - He clearly thinks he has a secret admirer! Strutting around doing a Joey ' how YOU doin'?' Oh take me now, baby Jesus for I have seen it all! Have choked on tea and coffee all day, sprayed biscuit all over my desk - have been threatened to be sent to the quack to be checked over for hiccups (!) oh what a day, nearly wet myself
