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Tom and living without him

Entries in this blog

Just Daydreaming

The other day I came across another website that had mentioned Tom on it. http://scagainstlungcancer.blogspot.com/20...attle-with.html It is the South Carolina fight against lung cancer news letter. They had been using Tom as an inspiration to their patients and apparently doctors and nurses had advised their patients read Toms blog. I told a few friends about it and one asked if I felt sad reading it. I'd have to say I felt so proud and happy that he had reached people far and wide, probably gi

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Keeping Control

Today my neice Beth and her boyfriend Lee have arrived this morning for a weeks holiday from Wigan (or there abouts). Beth has been here many times, but for 17 year old Lee, this is a first. I'd have to say his geography isn't very good and he doesn't know much about the Isle of Man. He thought he was coming to somewhere the size of Langness and I won't embarrass him by telling you some of the questions he has asked about it. I could have a field day kidding him on, but I won't. Hopefully by t

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Keeping Busy

I'd have to say I'm much better this week than I was last. Sean and Wendy came over as planned and they had a hand in getting me out and about again. I had a bug last week that probably didn't help my mood, but that has now gone and I am much more focused and not taking ages to get things done with the lack of concentration I have had for quite some time now. It was a bit of a shock to realise how much knowledge Sean had of the bird world and apart from showing him the birding sites and Ravens

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

What A Nightmare, Life Insurance

I have felt for a while that I'd like to warn people about taking good health for granted and not having an 'in case' plan. Tom and I invested some money around 3 years ago and pretty well tied it up. We were asked would we need it before the time was up and we were both adamant that with our salaries we would be fine. Ilness wasn't something we worried about and death never entered our heads. We were just planning on working out the last few years now before retirement and I don't think a day w

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Talk About Him

Yesterday I was at the doctors for a check up. I'm not as good as I thought I was when I wrote the other day. What others see when they speak to me is someone who is a bit all over the place. Certainly not ready for work according to to the medical people and I have another note. I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm not getting it together long enough to be 'normal' or 'getting on with life' but they keep explaining that the sort of relationship we had means that it is going to take some time. Not onl

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Like A Mother Duck

It seems ages since I did a blog. I had an Aunty over and I never really got time to sit and contemplate. I am on my own again and will be for 3 weeks when my niece and her boyfriend come over. After that I am looking to get a good run of no visitors so I can work at sorting out a new daily routine. Tom has been gone 2 months, but I have only spend 2 weeks on my own and it wasn't long enough work things out, not least because that was the time I did my hardest grieving. I have sorted things out

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

A Milestone

Yesterday was something of a milestone for me. It is over 12 months since I was at work. I couldn't manage my job as a senior analyst/programmer at Zurich and cope with Toms illness at the same time. I was so stressed and anxious, I was put on the sick. I missed the people I worked with, but there wasn't any real time for dwelling on it. I had a bigger task on my hands and to even think about work was enough to cause some tears. I knew that the next time I would be at work, Tom would be gone and

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Tuesday 21st April

Today is certainly a change from the weather we've been having. It isn't raining, but I have woken for quite some days now to brilliant sunshine. Last week was a very mixed week. I used it to catch up with a few people that had been sidelined whilst I had my Mum and Sister staying with me. I'm afraid I'm still eating out a lot and can't remember when I last cooked a dinner. I suppose I will settle down in time, but I have to go with things for now. Last Thursday I went to the bank in Douglas and

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Easter And Things

Trying to think up a title for a blog and the opening lines take more time than the actual blog itself. Tom always stuck to the date and advised me to do the same which I may do yet. He also gave me a tip to starting and ending a blog which I haven't managed yet either. He said to start with something topical and in the case it would be something like - "I remember an Easter where I got us both in a very dangerous situation!" Then Tom said that he would then talk about other things as he had gai

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

A Bit Of Everything

Yesterday I went to Langness for our walk. I had my sister Janet with me and the two dogs. The drive through sleepy Derbyhaven was in itself interesting with cars and a couple of police cars parked along the grass verge that lines the road. I was obviously curious as I drove, but all I could see was a large vessel at anchor towards Douglas bay. It was loaded with the concrete things that are used to shore up coasts etc from the seas. I presumed people were just watching its progress as I decided

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Beautiful Weather

Yesterday was a lovely day and today is similar except with a slight easterly wind. I walked on Langness yesterday and the sea was like a mill pond. The houses along Shore Road and the rocks where mirrored in the sea and it was so calm and peaceful. Only the sound from the occassional plane taking off broke my reverie. The skylarks soared above singing as they rose high into the sky and then dropped down to the ground as though the power was suddenly switched off from their wings. The tide was o

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Another Week As Gone By

I keep meeting people who say they are reading my blog. I have to admit that I have not written as I don't want to depress people, but I was told by one that they want to know how I'm doing. I suppose I am doing OK, but its hard to tell really. My mum is still here but she is going back on Thursday morning. I do feel ready to be on my own now and I have my sister Janet coming on Saturday evening for a week. That will be a week of walking and watching the birds. She's an avid twitcher. I love wat

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Black Swan

Well I've had a couple of days of absorbing nature and watching the birds busying themselves with spring. Yesterday I walked in the park with Skipper and Suzie and saw my first Treecreeper this year. I have normally seen them nearer to the entance to Poulson Park in the big trees with a seat round, but yesterday my sighting was at the top end all together. The chaffinches were singing their spring song and the place was alive with bird life. The rooks are feeding babies and any bread dropped in

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Nothing Is Easy

As the time goes by, things aren't getting any easier, they are harder if anything. It is just over 2 weeks since Tom died and after the 1st week planning the funeral etc it is really starting to hit home hard. I have no problem sleeping and I am grateful that my dreams have reflected my present position rather than waking up going through the shock all over again. Maybe that is because we have had 18 months of fighting the illness with a roller coaster of a ride throughout. I was of course awar

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

So Much To Do

I really do have to apologise to everyone who has emailed and written to me. I am so unaware of time and it is passing so quickly. It is lucky that I have my mother staying with me at the moment as she is making note of where I am supposed to be or who is coming at any particular time. Cheryl I will be in touch when I have the things done that must be done now. Cheryl had been editing Toms book as he wrote it and she will continue with that when I take up the task of completing it. Ian Cottier

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

It Was A Beautiful Day

The house started to fill quite early on Saturday morning with family coming from across. My aunty and cousins arrived first and I found it hard to keep my composure. Toms brother Lennie and his wife Rosie also arrived to pick my mother, sister and niece up from the airport and also to think and do the last minute things I was incapable of. My sister Janet had been with me all week and she has been a star looking after me and the people wanting to show their support and voice their sorrow. Jane

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

The Day Has Come

Well yesterday ended up being as frantic as I anticipated with all the jobs that I had to do. There has been a task that I completed which I hadn't mentioned in my blog in case I couldn't complete it. Tom told me the songs he wanted on entering and leaving the church. I could have been really easy on myself and pulled the songs off the internet, but i decided not too. The first song is an Irish ballad called The Spinning Wheel and the second is Beautiful Isle of Somewhere as that is where he wil

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Such A Hectic Week

I have been lying here listening to the birds and trying to relax and enjoy the sounds and also the peace that can be found behind the door of the bedroom. I was so busy the past few weeks caring for Tom and trying so, so hard to keep him with me even though I knew it wasn't going to happen. My mind would flick from desparately trying to get him to eat to acceptance of him leaving me. Tom and I always enjoyed quiet times together. Early morning was one of them and the afternoons were the others.

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

A Strange Day

I slept a little better last night although still fitfull. I am grateful that so far I have not dreamt that Tom is alive and had to go through the devastating realisation when I wake up. I'm always aware that life has changed and there is an empty space beside me but at the same time he is with me. Yesterday the phone woke me at 7.50 which was late for me, but I was still to dazed to answer it and I lay there and just listened to the morning song birds and gathered my thoughts. I decided I woul

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

A New Day

I hope this doesn't look like overkill from someone that has been blogging to keep you all informed of Toms progress when he decided to wind down his blog. I'm getting a strange kind of comfort from putting down my thoughts and speaking to his friends. I am receiving so many emails and messages of comfort that I want you all to know that after the funeral I will answer everyone of you individually. I haven't been able to email people previously as my mind was totally focussed on Tom and his need

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Traumatic Day

It has been a hard day but now I am sitting at my laptop in bed with an empty space beside me, I think it will be cathartic to write a little. I have known since Toms diagnosis last January that Tom wasn't going to live very long. 6 months to 2 years max was the figure I was given by more than one doctor and in every piece of information I could find on small cell lung cancer. Tom responded to chemo as happens in the majority of cases but it comes back. Tom was so optimistic when his chemo allo

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Small Update On Tom

Lots of people are emailing Tom and wondering how he is. I felt it was now time to let you know that he has been saying goodbye to his family and friends individually and letting them know he is leaving us very soon. Tom is at peace with everything and is now focussed on leaving this world. He said he wished he could give just 5 minutes of the peace he has to all those who are weeping for him. He said it is indiscribable. He is sleeping most of the time and I am trying to keep him as comfortabl

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

The Last Chapter

36 years ago I drove up Onchan Head very early in the morning. It was summer and there was a most fantastic sunrise that caused me to stop my car and take in the breathtaking scene. What made this memory stand out so much after all those years is the fact that I'd spent the whole night ferrying people to Nobles and supporting distraught wives, husbands and parents who where waiting or who had received news of their loved ones missing or injured in the Summerland Disaster. I was a young 21 year o

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

Thursday 26th February

We have been to the hospital this morning for Toms check up before his next chemo cycle. The Oncologist appeared pleased with Toms improved health and the chemo will go ahead next Wednesday. Tom doesn't seem to be having many symptoms from the chemotherapy. What previously we thought were side effects were in fact caused by the tumour. Tom totally lost his voice at one point and was communicating by whispering and texting me when I was in another room or even dialling my mobile. This week his vo

BarbaraG

BarbaraG

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